Review: Robin Hood

My main concern going into this movie was that since Robin Hood is traditionally set during the Crusades, that we'd get a film pretty similar to Ridley Scott's so-so Kingdom of Heaven. The good news is that if you also had similar reserves, you can forget it about them. Robin Hood is much much closer in plot, tone, and scope to another English legend's reboot film, King Arthur. If you liked the 2004 Clive Owen movie as much as I did, you will certainly enjoy this one.

Robin and his companions have just deserted the Lion Heart's army after the King's death, and their quest happens to take them through London and a plot filled with political intrigue. Just like in King Arthur, where we were briefly given insight into Rome's affairs with Britain, Robin Hood nicely touches on England's impending struggles with France. This story is actually the main plot, as one rogue Englishman conspires with King Phillip of France to destroy England and also take out Robin for getting in the way. Even though it greatly cuts down the amount of time we get with Robin's merry men and the Sheriff Nottingham (big disappointment), I understand why they did it, and will explain in a little bit.

Like King Arthur, Robin Hood takes the classic legend that everyone is familiar with and gives it a gritty little tweak. This time around, there are no tights, and Marion is no Maid. In fact, Robin Hood is not even Robin of Loxley. In the only silly and confusing scene of the film, Robin is kinda granted the estate and Marion's hand so people can think he's Sir Robert Loxley rather than Robin Longstride. Russell Crowe is not dashing or charismatic like Cary Elwes and Kevin Costner, and his Gladiator shtick doesn't work so well in this movie. You could say he's pulling a Sam Worthington because he doesn't add toor take away from the film (and whichever journalist called him out for a Scottish accent, they were on to something). He's joined by his companions from the war, Little John (aka the awesome Martin Keamy), Will Scarlet (funny pothead Morris from ER), and Alann a' Dayle. Later on, we get to see the wonderful Mark Addy (from A Knight's Tale and the upcoming A Game of Thrones series... don't judge him from Still Standing alone). The supporting cast is not as great as King Arthur's round table knights, but they're still pretty cool.

And finally, like King Arthur, Robin Hood is only telling Act I of what will hopefully be an ongoing story. At the end of King Arthur, the hero is crowned and married to Guinevere, and they were probably about to build Camelot.... except the move was panned and didn't make much money. Robin Hood similarly becomes that man he is destined to be at the end of this film, but there is much left to tell. We only briefly get glimpses of the forest and the sheriff. Instead, they spent more time on political squabbling with the entertaining King John, who is obviously inexperienced and temperamental as the new King. William Hurt's also in this as the generic and noble advisor like Jeremy Irons was in Kingdom of Heaven.

But like I was alluding to earlier, Ridley Scott built a pretty solid foundation for the rest of the series, if it continues. We understand the motives for why outlaw orphans take refuge in the forest like a bunch of Lost Boys. We also understand why the Sheriff of Nottingham is a petty, slighted person because what little power he has is really not much at all. These stories can be further explored in a sequel, but for right now, Robin Hood accomplished giving us a interesting new side to the classic story that still showcases cunning warfare, uplifting comradarie, and a sorta convincing love story.

B

Clip of the Week: Dude

Probably my favorite one is "Jack BROKE your lighthouse, Dude!!!"

LOST Running Diary: Across the Sea

I've been debating whether or not to live blog the epic finale next Sunday, and just in case I choose not to, I'm going to fire one up for tonight's "Crazy Episode 15," Across the Sea. I expect big things from this self-contained episode. In no particular order, I want to find out:

- Smokey's name (Esau? Wallace? Lindelof?)
- The identities of Adam and Eve in the caves
- The identities of the little brats that Smokey has been seeing in the jungle
- Is Smokey equal to Jacob?
- Did Jacob grant Smokey his power?
- Why does Jacob have a thing for numbers, especially the cursed numbers?

As usual, the rules of the Running Diary state that I get one shot at writing this. Nothing is edited after the fact, so don't get mad at me when I am 100% right.

8:59 - Let's roll...
9:00 - We start off with typical boat wreckage and an exotic dame arriving on the Island. Smokey's wife? His mommy? OOOOOO she's pregnant, so I'm thinking the latter. Wow, for a stressed, shocked, trauma patient, she knows enough to search for fresh water right away. I'm intrigued.... +1
9:01 - Allison Janney? She speaks Latin like any good Roman... and also English. +1
9:03 - Exotic dame (aka Claudia) is giving birth. Place your bets!!! Jacob or Smokey!! I'm saying Smokey cause she has the devil's black hair.... OOOOOOO JACOB!!!!!!!!!! +5
9:04 - ANOTHER BABY!!!!! WHOA!!!!!! Here comes the name!!! "I only picked one name" - Stupid exotic dame. Ten bucks says she dies right away like Ben's mom. +2
9:05 - Yikes!!! I'm half right. Whereas momma Linus died from birth complications, Exotic Dame gets her skull bashed in by Allison Janney. What a sweet opener. +5

First Commercial Thoughts - It seems so simple, why didn't any of us predict this before? THEY ARE TWIN BROTHERS!!! One wrapped in white cloth, the other swaddled in darkness, but how do they get their powers? Crazy Allison Janney has a mother Gaia vibe going for her, so she's probably responsible.

9:08 - First question answered. The two brats are kid Smokey and kid Jacob. "I JUST KNOW HOW TO PLAY BACKGAMMON, JACOB!! DON'T TELL MOM!!!" Lame. -5
9:10 - Jacob is a sucker and a momma's boy, while Smokey is a scheming liar, and "special" according to Mother Gaia. Smokey mentions something about "Across the Sea," but I missed its importance, which is good because I hate when episode titles are mentioned in the dialogue. -3
9:13 - The boys encounter THE OTHERS!!! The director goes out of his way to hide the chieftain's face. Are they Egyptian? Are they conquistadors? They look like Mongols, but who the hell knows. -4
9:15 - Okay, a lot just happened. Gaia just gave the same "Man is inherently evil" speech that Smokey tells Jacob at the beginning of Season 5. Then we find out the mom has made it so they can never hurt each other (how? beats me). And yes, there's a rainbow/pot of gold/fountain of youth magic cave. "The warmest, brightest light that you have ever seen or felt. And we must make sure that no one ever finds it." That means you, Widmore. +2
9:18 - Her primary goal is to protect this pocket of light so greedy men can never extinguish it, and that responsibility will be passed on. Obviously she'll choose Jacob, which is weird because she kinda favors Smokey. Eventually, JACK SHEPHARD will probably assume this role. +5

Commercial Break 2 - What the hell is happening? Cave of light? Someone took second-rate fantasy storytelling (Legend of the Seeker?) and wrapped it in a LOST exterior. They are chuckin a lot of this up to faith with vaguely straightforward explanations like "I'm responsible for this" and "this is our mission" and "It's like this because I said so." YOU'RE TALKING SHIT, WRITERS. EXPLAIN YOURSELVES!!

9:22 - "One day, you can make up your own game and everyone else will have to follow your rules." BLANTANT FORESHADOWING ALERT!!! +1
9:23 - OOOOO exotic birth mom is back and standing under a spotlight. Is she one of the whisperers? Someone else doing Smokey-like shapeshifting? +1
9:24 - Jesus H Christ, they've said "Across the Sea" 7 or 8 times. THAT BUGS ME!! Also, Smokey sees his people that crashed with the birth mom, and he also learns that Gaia is a lying bitch. These characters kinda suck ass. I miss grown up Jacob and Smokey... -8
9:29 - Smokey just left because he's the sympathetic rogue. Jacob stayed because he's a gutless momma's boy. The Mom is a crazy loon. We didn't really need 5 minutes to say all this, so whatever... -8

Commercial Break 3 - All the momentum from that awesome opening scene is gone. The first Act of this episode has worn out its welcome, and we need to get to the big conflict. Why does the Man in Black want to kill Smokey in their later years? What fatal mistake does Smokey make that causes the kids to haunt him (besides murdering Jacob, right)? Here's my prediction: Smokey gets in with his people and because of them, they hunt down and kill Gaia. Still no sign of any black smoke...

9:34 - YES! Grown-up Jacob, still kinda spineless, is back to dominating the rug-making business. And he still regularly plays board games with Smokey. Now we're cookin'. +7
9:35 - "I found a way off the Island."
"That's impossible! There is no way off the Island!"
***NINJA MAGNETIC KNIFE THROW***
And now we see the type of well that Desmond was thrown in. Woo hoo!!! +4
9:37 - For someone who presents herself as all-knowing, Gaia sure dropped the ball with this magnetic well stuff. I thought she was supposed to prevent men from tampering with the Cave light!?!?!? +2
9:39 - FROZEN DONKEY WHEEL!!!!!! I can't explain it fast enough, but the scene between Gaia and Smokey was the best of the episode so far; just all-around fantastic. +10
9:41 - WHOAAAA I wrote that last bit before Gaia SMASHED SMOKEYS HEAD INTO THE WALL. Rocks to the head seem to be her preferred method of murder. WOW. +10

Commercial Break 4 - How's that for a 180 from our last commercial break? Smokey has figured out how to leave the Island (using science... hmmm), and his mom punishes him with a good bashing. I kinda thought Smokey was going to kill her down there, so it completely caught me by surprise. Is he dead? I think not. It's interesting that he has characterized his people as greedy, manipulating, and selfish, which is exactly what he is. It's also interesting that the donkey wheel works in transporting people off the Island, but Smokey never leaves...

9:45 - "Jacob... it's time!" Bring on the crazy well. +5
9:46 - "Life, death, rebirth. It's the source, the heart, of the Island." "Promise me you will never go down there." This is another scene loaded with themes of temptation and faith. Oooo she breaks out the magic bottle (later broken by Smokey in Ab Aeterno). If Jacob drinks the magic wine, he accepts the role of Island Protector. Jacob correctly points out that Smokey was the chosen one, but after a little pissing and moaning, he drinks.... Great music, by the way. +12
9:50 - Smokey ain't dead, but he's plenty pissed that his Orchid well was filled in... AND THE CAMP WAS BURNED TO THE GROUND!!! Wow, we never would've thought that Jacob would be behind Island massacre. I guess this is the turning point that causes Smokey to hate Jacob's guts. +5

Commercial Break 5 - So Jacob wiped out the camp. Maybe he also wiped out the Ajira 316 survivors before he died. I'm not sure why he would do that, but now we see that Smokey isn't the only one capable of genocide. Since they are probably the only 2 left on the Island, we might see this episode ending like the Season 5 finale ended: with them chatting on the beach as the Black Rock appears. Right now this episode is sitting at a B-; let's hope the home stretch dominates.

9:55 - Okay, another thought. Perhaps the mom killed that camp and not Jacob... that makes more sense. I lose points for being stupid. -2
9:56 - DEATH BY FANCY KNIFE!!!! Not quite as cool-sounding as Sawyer's "Winner by knockout" comment to the Doc, but it works. +15
9:58 - Why didn't you let me go? Because I love you. Awesome stuff, and now Jacob is pissed. THROW HIM DOWN THE WELL!!!! THAT'S HOW HE BECOMES SMOKEY!!!! +10
9:59 - The light is extinguished, and it is now manifested into THE FUCKING SMOKE MONSTER!!!! +15
10:01 - YES!!!! Cut to Jack and Kate finding the bodies in the caves with the black and white stones!!!! ADAM AND EVE = SMOKEY AND GAIA. That's a much more satisfying explanation than Rose and Bernard or Sawyer and Juliet. I'm loving the season 1 throwback. Also, did you notice that season one Locke had way fewer wrinkles? +10
10:02 - "Goodbye, brother... goodbye" +10

L O S T

Final Arbitrary Score: 98, right between "Lapidus' beard" and "Jack's sleeveless purple shirt" on the LOST Awesome Scale. And yes, there is a scale.

Final thoughts: LOST has succeeded in NEVER producing a likable child character. Walt was a huge, whiny loser. The kid versions of Locke, Jack, Kate, Sawyer, and Charlotte all sucked. Aaron is a mental defect, and Ji Yeon is ugly. So it doesn't surprise me that I also hate the kid versions of Smokey and Jacob.

Of the questions I asked at the beginning of the episode, 4/6 of them were answered, and that's pretty damn good. Since Smokey technically died, is that why he can't leave the Island by using the donkey wheel? If that's the case, then what would it take to get him to leave? I feel like we should have enough information by now to answer this question, but I can't answer it. A lot of the show's mythology has been explained, and this was definitely a good standalone story, so I'll give it a B+.

UPDATED SEASON 6 RANKINGS
1. Ab Aeterno
2. the Candidate
3. the Substitute
4. Lighthouse
5. Across the Sea
6. Everybody Loves Hugo
7. Happily Ever After
8. The Last Recruit
9. LAX
10. Dr. Linus
11. Sundown
12. the Package
13. Recon
14. What Kate Does

LOST Review: The Candidate

SHOCK N AWE

What just happened?!?!? I likened The Last Recruit to the first part of a season finale, and I still believe it. Building off of that, The Candidate is the very dark Act 2 of a finale, almost like the Empire Strikes Back. Very few shows in all of television can get its audience to hit a range of emotions throughout the course of a 42 minute episode, and the Candidate (a fantastic episode) is among them. Happiness, Sadness, Confusion, Anger, Elation, Fright and probably a lot more that could be described with fancy words that I don't know. Because my mind is blown more than usual tonight, there's no point in covering this in a traditional, linear format. Instead, let's just cover each of these crazy emotions.


HAPPINESS
Awww.... Jin and Sun are together again. It's still unnerving when they easily speak English to each other, but it was great hearing them discuss their little girl. I'll admit that I got a little worked up, but so what?!? You're a mindless zombie robot if your heart wasn't warmed by their fleeting moment.

SADNESS
Where can I begin.... HOW CAN YOU KILL OFF JIN AND SUN LIKE THAT!?!?! Okay, I'm venturing into frustration territory, but I don't mean to. In fact, I joke nearly every week that Sun is a useless character that should die a horrible death. Now I'm eating those words. The explosion threw debris across the room and wrenched Sun against the wall. It didn't matter how hard he tried, because Jin couldn't get her out. Every time something was removed, another thing remained. They shared a tearful goodbye, a final embrace, and drowned while our old friend, the Life and Death theme, played in the background. Their deaths churned up thoughts of Charlie's sad goodbye in Season 3 (another character I wished dead but was sad when it happened). If all of this wasn't sad enough, hearing Hurley, Kate, and Jack sob like children on the beach because of this only made it tougher.

Oh, and Sayid also met his demise tonight, cutting the potential Candidate pool in half. There wasn't as much emotional punch to his death because he's been such a tool this season, but I am glad that he technically redeemed himself with his sacrifice. I'm betting he goes on to join the whisperers of the Island. Just like Michael sacrificed himself to save the castaways on the freighter, Sayid ran the C4 (mostly) out of harm's way. And since Michael was ultimately punished for the double homicide of Ana Lucia and Libby, I'm thinking Sayid will also suffer for the double homicide of Dogen and Lennon. And hey, what about Lapidus???

CONFUSION
Yep, that was just one of the many moments of confusion sprinkled throughout the episode. Lapidus was donked on the head by the hatch door, but we never saw he die... we also never saw him surface. So what happened to him? Also, how stupid does Claire have to be to not notice a sub launching 5 feet behind her? Sayid yelled for her. Sawyer yelled for her. Locke ran down the dock towards the damn thing and she still paid it no mind. And then all of sudden, "Hey! They left me?!?!?" You suck, Claire.

One final thought about the deaths of Jin, Sun, and Sayid. Let's not forget that the sideways world still has a part to play in all this. That's why I am further confused because Jin and Sun could conceivably live out a happy life in sidewaysland where they are alive, well, and pregnant. Too bad the same cannot be said for Sayid, who was arrested for murder.

ANGER
Were you also among those fooled by Smokey? I wanted to believe that there was something good about him. I never thought him to be the good guy and Jacob the bad guy, but I did believe that he was a man who believed in free will and other noble virtues. It turns out that I was a sucker. Smokey never gave a shit about the candidates' well being. As Dogen wisely said, he is "evil incarnate." All along he worked to gain all of their trust (and ours as well), only to perfectly execute a plan that nearly killed them all. And really, it should've killed them all. How often do 400 pound guys (that are carrying 120 of dead weight) swim up from sinking wreckage? What were the odds that Jack could carry Sawyer out of there after the sub had been sinking for a good 5 minutes? That must've been 1000 feet under water!!! Anyway, well done you sonuvabitch Smoke Monster.

Another thing that angered me (and this time not in a good way) is the cages. It's like the old saying: "Stand up. Sit down. Stand up. What did you accomplish?" I felt that way the first 10 minutes into the episode. Out of the cages. Get in the cages. Back out of the cages. What was the point? Yes, Widmore was trying to protect the candidates from Smokey, but the cages just conjure up old painful memories of a show treading water. To a larger extent, why have Sawyer's group captured at the end of the Last Recruit only to be rescued at the beginning of the Candidate. It just seems like manufactured drama to me.

ELATION
This episode had its downer moments and its weepy moments and its frustrating moments, but it also had the funniest 5 seconds in perhaps the show's history. Locke bitch-slapping a hysterical Claire had me keeled over in Laughter, but this had me jumping for joy like when Ana Lucia was shot. Yes, I'm talking about Kate getting shot. The scene went something like this:

Jack: "John Locke told me to stay"
*Jack pushes Smokey in the water because it seems logical*
*Kate stupidly looks over and says...*
Kate: What happened!?!?!?
*Kate gets shot*

It's so silly and absurd that a scene would go down like that, but yet it did and I loved it. I honestly replayed it about 5 times to soak up all the excitement.

FRIGHT
Okay, I'm now officially scared of Locke. I've seen him pissed before, but now that his sinister end-game is revealed, it just gives me chills. LOST really delivered a solid grand bad guy to clash with, and I can't wait to see how it ends. To kind of pat myself on the back, here's my "God of War 3" theory that I sent out to my family last week:

"You know, in Greek Mythology (according to God of War 3), damned souls could travel out of the Underworld through a hyperion gate if they had the soul of a god with them. Damned souls = castaways. Underworld = Island. Hyperion Gate = Flashes or pockets of energy like the Orchid. God = Jacob. So what’s the end game then? Simple… Smokey is going to orchestrate the deaths of the remaining candidates. He won’t kill them himself cause that’s cheating… so he’s leading them to Widmore so they’ll die there. Once everyone is gone, he’ll claim Jacob’s soul and be able to escape through some gate that is yet to be revealed.

Just like Hades was tricked into running the Underworld and is now "trapped," Smokey too was trapped on the Island by Jacob, and now he's looking for a way out."

HAPPINESS AGAIN
Right now, I am feeling happy about the episode because it kicked ass. Big time character deaths are always a welcome addition because it raises the stakes and makes us that much more invested in the show. Also, Jack was right and Sawyer was wrong, and I love seeing that. The Doc made perfect sense about them falling into Smokey's trap, but Sawyer's stubbornness caused them to blow up and it caused the deaths of their friends. Remember when Sawyer held Jack responsible for killing Juliet because he spearheaded Operation Jughead? This is the exact damn thing, and I hope Sawyer is eaten away by the guilt of making a stupid stupid decision. So much for him being the world's best con man. He totally thought he was playing Locke, but he didn't expect the old man to pulling a long con of his own. Brilliant.


A-

P.S. - The weekly "Why would he do that?" award goes to Jin, who uttered the often-used phrase on the sub after they discovered Locke's bomb. I was afraid this award would be passed up by the weekly "I was on Oceanic 815, too" award
P.S.S. - The alarm on the sub was the same alarm from the Hatch
P.S.S.S. - Flashsideways cameos usually seemed forced because they force a character into a situation with a new job and a new life (Minkowski a limo driver? Ilana the lawyer?). Bernard's cameo was awesome because it wasn't forced. He's still a funny old man dentist married to Rose. It's good that some things don't change.

UPDATED SEASON 6 RANKINGS
1. Ab Aeterno
2. the Candidate
3. the Substitute
4. Lighthouse
5. Everybody Loves Hugo
6. Happily Ever After
7. The Last Recruit
8. LAX
9. Dr. Linus
10. Sundown
11. the Package
12. Recon
13. What Kate Does

What if Super Mario . . . wasn't so super?

Vintage gaming this week (figured out SimCity 2000 on Windows 7), but it was child's play compared to this:

SUPER MARIO CROSSOVER

ENJOY

Goldeneye Stand-Off

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

Why the Penguins will succeed where the Capitals failed

The Canadiens stunned the NHL world by upsetting the #1 seed and reigning President's Trophy champs.... the loser Washington Crapitals. Though their dramatic comeback was stunning, there is an explanation for it. The Capitals are a team that shoots on the rush, that shoots early, often, and from everywhere on the ice. They'll shoot as hard as they can in any direction, and score on the brute force of their shots..... unless they meet a shutdown defensive team willing to sacrifice the body. You see, the Canadiens knew that Ovechkin and company would shoot ASAP, so they were ready to jump in the lanes. They would shoot high in the circles and the point, so the goalie had more time to see it coming. The captain often reflects the will of the team, so let's look at how Ovechkin handles himself. Below is a chart from nhl.com that shows where and how Ovechkin netted his 50 goals.



You'll notice that they are all over the place. From the points, the wings, the slot, on breakaways, and that's also how his team plays. Now I won't fault the guy for this. You get your 50 goals any way you can, but this is NOT a strong offensive strategy for playoff hockey. In the playoffs, defenses collapse toward the net to protect it. They block shots. They get in your face and disrupt your pretty one-timers because refs won't call the obstruction penalty. All of this is why the predictable Crapitals are sitting at home right now. Their system was not built for the long grind of playoff hockey (and it's the same reason they were dismissed in other game 7s in seasons past).

Now let's look at Sidney Crosby's goal chart. You'll notice right away that they are all almost entirely below the circles. When he's not scoring in the slot, he's scoring in the crease. He gets deflections, he battles for rebounds, he scores goals as ugly as sin, and that's EXACTLY how playoff hockey is!!! That's why Crosby is the best player in the league. That's why he's a reigning gold medalist and Stanley Cup champion. You lead by example, and Crosby is not afraid to battle for the hard goals. The Habs will not have an answer for that kind of persistent pressure. They were used to the Capitals firing as soon as they could, so they didn't expect the Pens power play to defer... and defer.... and defer... and change the angle... and defer again... and pause.... headfake.... and now FIRE. The Canadiens didn't know how to stop this kind of patient attack, and if they don't figure it out soon, we'll be heading back to the Eastern Conference Finals.