Goldeneye Stand-Off

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L O S T Pic of the Week (small spoilers within)

Lindelof and Cuse, the main creative forces behind LOST, shown here in their writer's room.
There are several small SPOILERS in this picture, things that have more to do with plot developments in the next episode rather than mindblowing mythological stuff. It's all worth looking at, and a very strategic "flash" on the left side of the photo tries to conceal the meat of the final episodes...

TOP FIVE REASONS WHY THIS PICTURE KICKS ASS:

1. The last couple of episodes are listed on the whiteboard. Also listed are the next two. The flash obscures both the titles and the characters that the episodes focus on...or does it? Everyone thought last night's episode was a Jack/Locke episode, but the flash sideways reveals hit on all the characters---Claire, Jin/Sun, Kate, Sawyer, rather than just Jack and Locke. Well, a closer look at next week's episode on the whiteboard tells us that next week is the Jack/Locke episode we've been waiting for. Fuck yea. The name of the episode is "The Ca______". Hmm, what could it be? The Candidates?

2. After that, we see an episode with a title that seems to be "Across the Sea". The focus is on a character ending in the letters "ey". At first, I barfed a little bit, thinking they might actually force a Zoey episode on us. Thank god a closer look shows that it's gotta be S M O K E Y (Hurley fits too, but he had his shot a couple weeks back). Again, fuck yea.

3. Some of the text between Lindelof and Cuse summarizes a few scenes from last night. Other parts of it, however, reveal the opening scenes of the next episode. Annoyingly Small Spoiler Alert: It seems Sawyer gets the drop on one of Widmore's men right away, pulls a gun on one. But the others point a gun on Kate, saying something like "we need you, but she's not a candidate so screw her. Drop it or she's pwned." Afterwards, Camp Widmore puts their new prisoners, Sawyer and Kate included, back in the, wait for it, CAGES. All together now: ugggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhh.

4. In Sidewaysworld, it seems Jack runs into Bernard at his dentist office (Bernard, if you remember, is also a doctor). The only line we're given "I want to ask you about a patient's accident." Oooooooh.

5. Other cool non spoilery things in this picture include the timeline for the show, some dharma things lying around, and the production schedule for episode 14 ("Bender - 1st Unit" written on it. We all know Jack Bender directs the best damn episodes.)

I generally steer clear of spoilers, but this picture came up in an article about Cuse and Lindelof wrapping up the show. I looked around for cool easter eggs and found these juicy bits instead. Had to pass it on. Can't wait for LOST to come back in two weeks.

TV Recap: Modern Family

Since Modern Family first aired on ABC last September, the focus has always remained on character relationships. While each family is no stranger to a wacky situation or two, the true comedy of the series has always come from the personalities of each character playing off one another. It's a credit to the shows writing that many of these family members can be interchangeable each week. We do not always have to see Phil and Claire riffing off one another for their characters to be funny or even poignant. It can just as easily be Claire and Gloria, or Phil with pretty much anyone. Cam and Mitchell might be the most consistently hilarious couple on television right now, but that doesn't stop the writers from sending Cam to a spicy restaurant with Gloria, or butting heads with Jay over college football. Each interaction seems to work almost flawlessly, and none of it feels like a stretch.

Last night's episode, "Benched", continued the trend of developing several amusing situations and inserting the right characters to take care of the rest. Phil and Jay may have been progressing in their relationship (a model airplane to the schnoz has that effect), but it was clear from the onset that they still had some work to do. Jay, too used to controlling the situation, seemed to override Phil's decision at every turn. Dealing with Manny and Luke's basketball coach, whom Lost fans would know as Radzinsky, nice-guy Phil wanted to use reason to curb the coach's jackass methods. Jay opted for threats (throwing a shoe is such an effective old man threat, and maybe provided the best imagery of the night). When the coach quit, Phil stepped in to help the team "turn five fingers into a fist." Would that fist have been Captain or Tennille? Jay gave us no time to find out, swooping in to take the reins. His justification? A perfectly deadpanned "Phil, I coach football." Did it matter that Phil coached basketball? Nope.

It didn't take long for Jay to become frustrated with the team's complete lack of anything resembling coordination, and when he looked to hand the job off to Phil, of course it had to come with a little groveling, too. "Believe it or not Jay, there are some things that I'm better at than you are--bam, it's out there." Bangarang, P. Dunphy! Jay apologized for constantly taking charge, and a satisfied Phil resumed his coaching duties. He even managed to get a decent pick-and-roll out of the team until Manny's shot, all the more hilarious in slow-mo, came up a couple feet short.

Elsewhere, Claire and Gloria found themselves benched for a different reason: just being there. Manny, embarrassed from his mom's cries of support from the bleachers, told her it would be better if she didn't come to the next game. Gloria tried to convince Manny that she'd be quiet from now on. Manny, always wise beyond his years, knew "that her Latin blood makes that impossible," and so off she went. Finding solace in shopping with baby Lily, she runs into Claire, who was supposed to be out with Alex buying clothes. Once her friends were in sight, however, Alex gave the same treatment to Claire. It was a harsh look at the inevitable embarrassment kids find with their parents, which made the payoff even sweeter when Claire and Gloria turned the tables later on.

Both Manny and Alex tried to make amends with their mothers. A sincere Manny got the guilt treatment from Gloria, and Jay did little to help him smooth it over. His advice? "I usually go with earrings." Alex, as if reading from a psychology textbook, expertly crafted an apology to Claire, who gladly accepted....only to have Alex immediately ask for $20 to grab dinner and a movie with her friends. Claire gave her $40. Her reaction, on the other hand, was priceless. Waiting for her youngest daughter to get out of the car and stand next to her friends, she yelled, "Alex, honey, when you’re out shopping, you might want to pick yourself up a training bra! I know you don’t need one now but your little boobies are going to come in soon. Mommy loves you, kitten!" Ouch, that Dunphy parental unit sure knows how to sling it.

With Cam and Mitchell, it was less about getting benched and more about already being on the bench. An unemployed Mitchell was starting to get a little crazy from staying home all the time with Lily (when you start plotting the death of Dora the Explorer, it's a warning sign), whereas Cam, working part-time at a greeting card store, turns into a blubbering mess when he thinks about all the time missed with his baby. "Grilled cheese sandwich" was the only audible words from one of his brilliant meltdowns in front of the camera. Neither Cam nor Mitchell wants the other to know their real feelings about it, so when both go and meet with a friend of Jay's at a party to discuss an opportunity for Mitchell, things turn a little awkward when he's offered the job. They go through uncomfortable dialogue, a few spilled platters, and a heavily dented Ferrari before things are resolved and Mitchell takes the job.

In the end, it was another well-balanced episode that handed plenty of zingers out to all the characters. Claire's showdown with Alex, and the behavior of Mitchell and Cam at the party did give off more of an awkward vibe than I'm used to from this show. That sort of tone would've fit better in Extras or The Office, but it's a minor complaint with a show that continually leaves me wanting more. The season finale is right around the corner, too. What relationship dynamic to you hope to see more of before the end? Pairing Phil with Mitchell or Cam for an episode would have to be must-see. What about more from Claire and Jay? Or Cam and Mitchell babysitting all the kids? That's the beauty of Modern Family; every combo works. Have we finally found a show that will dethrone 30 Rock at the Emmy's?

L O S T Pics of the Week

The goodies just keep on coming. Before Herb gets to his recap, I'm gonna post these 2 comics in honor of maybe the last Jack episode ever. (Although it's supposed to be a Locke-Jack tandem episode). It's no secret that Jack's my favorite character, but I know a lot of the readers out there hate him, and since I'm all about giving people what they want, here's two separate cartoony perspectives on Jack's intense island presence.

Also, don't forget to check out my L O S T Reaction below...

L O S T Reaction

Looking back at tonight's episode, entitled "Everybody Loves Hugo", I kept looking for reasons to slam it. Historically, Hurley's episodes always seem to carry a vibe of mediocrity with it. I'm not saying the episodes have been mediocre, just that you never expect a whole lot when you see Hugo-centric story on deck, and maybe that's why I've usually been satisfied with what he has to offer. I don't expect bold story-telling like I do from episodes about Jack, Locke, Ben, and Desmond. Hurley's episodes pretty much come equipped with the usuals: A bucket a chicken with a side of mental hospital, some biggie-sized humor, and small mythology on the side. You could easily say that Hurley episodes are just like fast food. You know exactly what you're getting and it rarely disappoints. So why was I looking to shoot it down from scene one?

I guess it comes down to those increasingly annoying flash-sideways. Keep in mind, I'm not one of the haters who have been against the plot device since the season premiere. It's served it's purpose so far, and even became sorta validated last week when Desmond made that long overdue connection. But the closer we get to the finale, I find myself having less patience for what the sideways world is offering. I'm sick of the show dividing time between Camp Widmore, Team Jack, and Team Locke. A whole hour of positioning and advancing each group towards each other would be infinitely better than seeing how much of a Philanthropist fake Hurley has become, no matter how well it services the alternate universe. Maybe the worst part of it all is that they gave us yet another throwaway cameo, this time taking an awesome character (Dr. Chang) and giving him a meaningless part. So that's why I was looking to slam this episode. But damn it all if they didn't give me reason after reason to love what I was seeing (most of it, anyways).

Granted, as a whole the flash sideways was still boring and predictable. Did any of us actually think that Hurley was gonna get to have his blind date with whats-her-face? You don't have to read E Weekly to know that LIbby was coming in hard, and that they'd fast-track another unlikely romance with her and Hurley that ends the same way it did on the island (except with much less double homicide). Almost perfectly mirroring the season 2 episode "Everybody Hates Hugo", we again find Libby and Hurley on a beach hamming up an exchange that, when stripped down, goes like this:

Hurley: Why are you here? I'm fat.
Libby: I'm here because I like you.
Hurley: Dude.
*smooch*

Of course this triggers his memories and you know the rest. Based on the f-sideways, this was a subpar episode. So what turned the whole thing around? Why am I caring about this episode? Well, if things started off slow, the wake-up call we all got came in the form of...

1. ...Ilana getting BLOWN. THA. FUCK. UP. Man, how many times do people need to hear "that dynamites unstable!" before they listen? I loved this for a number of reasons. Ilana, along with Cesar, was one of the worst new characters brought into LOST. She has sucked in just about every scene, and to see her blown to bits gave me a satisfaction I haven't felt since Ana Lulu took one in the tits (Sun getting shot was a great feeling too, but it was Sideways Sun, and therefore I hardly cared). And the writers perfectly set it up, too. They gave her an out-of-place "woe is me" speech about how she trained for all this. It was so out of place that it got me annoyed with how much screen time she was getting and I looked away in disgust when the big moment happened. I didn't even see her die! I just saw her bits flying around. Awesome. Of course, I doubt this is the end of Ilana on the show. Whether she appears in flashbacks, sideways, or as a ghostie, she'll be back.

"But, as my plastic surgeon always said, 'If you gotta go...Go with a smile!'"

2. How annoying is it that the castaways seem to have dynamite on tap any time they want? They always seem just a commercial break away from arriving at the Black Rock, commenting on how little they need to take (which always leaves room for more dynamite missions any time the show calls for it), and tip toeing away en route to blow something up. That's reason #2 for why I loved this episode: Hurley blows it all to hell. Finally the end of the Black Rock and dynamite. But LOST's annoyances do seem pervasive, because minutes after it happens, Richard and Ben talk about a strike force mission to track down a grenade stash at the Barracks. ugh.




3. Poor Locke. Doesn't matter what world he's in, he always gets bullied. He's been hit by a car before (season 1 while he was running down Mama Locke, no injuries though), had his leg crushed by a metal door in the Hatch, been pushed out an eight story window, broke his leg getting down to the depths of the Orchid, been shot where his kidney used to be, fell on his face out of his wheel chair, strangled to death, etc, etc. Terry O'Quinn sure can take a beating. This one may have been the sweetest though. Compare this sideways scene to Sun getting shot during the battle of Jin & Mikhail. While both awesome, Locke's is far better because Desmond carried out this action all while having knowledge of the Island world. What made him do it? What does he know about Island Locke? Did he do it for a good cause (see below)? Will it change things? But what made this episode great came from an unexpected source. My fiancée, not usually known for her mind blowing theories, offered up this little diddy at the beginning of the episode:

4. DESMOND IS JACOB.

You're laughing, I get it. At some point, we've probably hypothesized that every character could be Jacob, but considering the events that played out last night in both worlds, this is starting to make a hell of lot of sense.

I know, I can't believe it either, brotha.

First, Desmond's behavior after emerging from his electromagnetic daydream was clearly different. He was content, aloof, and cooperative with everyone he came across, almost like he knew this was part of the plan. We believe that old Desmond may have died when that blast went off. It could be even more likely that his consciousness permanently transferred to the sideways world. Either way, present Desmond isn't acting like Desmond, and that's because he's not!!!!

Second, Locke started to pick up on this, and that's why he threw him down the well. We can all agree that Smokey is a character that absolutely has his shit together; very little can surprise him. He's always ten steps ahead of every conversation and every encounter with regular castaways like Sawyer, Kate, and even Richard. But with Desmond, he couldn't quite figure him out. Why aren't you scared? Smokey looked genuinely bewildered when he asked this of Desmond. When Desmond replied "What's the point of being scared?" I almost got a sense of deja vu (or maybe a flashsideways twitch) that reminded me of when Jacob responded to Ben by saying "What about you?" You're starting to come around, aren't you?

Finally, the role that Desmond is playing in sidewaysland is EXACTLY the role that Jacob played in the real world. In the season 5 finale, Jacob was responsible for influencing the castaways off-Island at some of the most important moments in their life. His goal was to steer them down a path that led them to the Island. Desmond's job in sidewaysland is to influence the castaways by reintroducing them to some of the most important moments that happened on the Island. His goal is steer them down a path that ends with them rebooting these memories of the Island. Perhaps the end game is to get them to go back there. Sometimes this is done through friendly conversation (Jacob's chat with Hurely in the taxi equals Desmond's chat with Hurley at Mr. Clucks), and sometimes this is done through tragedy (Jacob distracting Sayid while Nadia is drilled by a car equals Desmond drilling Locke with a car). By hitting Locke, Desmond did something that Locke could not do on his own..... go to the hospital and visit with the doc. I bet you that Locke will be examined by Jack, and that's when both of them will have their memory-downloading experience. Wouldn't it be great if Locke's paralysis was cured after that moment!?!?!?

This still raises a lot of questions that I'm too tired to rebut. Is Desmond temporarily Jacob until a candidate can take over? Dunno. Why did this happen now and not when the Hatch imploded? Dunno (maybe cause Jacob was alive then). What were my thoughts on the rest of the episode? I'll present a more detailed look tomorrow on why this episode rocked, but for now, good luck trying to fall asleep with this stuff churning in your brain.



Final Verdict: A solid B+

L O S T Reaction

That poster above has nothing to do with my theory, it's just a really weird, trippy take on LOST from an ABC affiliate in Brazil. Click on it to see it all it's glory.

Before I get into the meat of my analysis, I should quickly sum up my thoughts on the episode as a whole. This season has given us some headaches (What Kate Does, The Package) and a "best ever?" episode (Ab Aeterno). To suggest that Happily Ever After will be included in the latter is a bit of a stretch. Most reviews are going nuts over this episode, but I'd put it only in the top 3 or 4 of the season. A quality episode, sure, and probably better than the B grade that Herb gave it (B+ in my book, but whatever). It surely wasn't the best of the season, and surely wasn't the best Desmond episode. Still, it gave us a new twist on the requisite Desmond/Penny love moment, finally bridged the gap between both worlds, and threw in some scene-chewing domination from Charlie (Widmore, not that goblin Pace). Like I said, a solid episode, and it provides plenty of fodder for throwing around new theories.

I'll throw this out at you first. Is there any coincidence that Desmond was told about these "love flashes" from two people who are already dead? Two people who already made "sacrifices" for the people they saw in those love flashes. Charlie accepted his death sentence because he figured he would be able to press the button to call for help and save everyone on the island (but mostly, save Claire). Faraday came back in time to alter the future, to have a chance at preventing Charlotte's freaky death. They both had a choice, as Desmond puts it, and they both ended up being sacrificed, and since Widmore is telling Desmond pretty much the same thing on the island, do we see a Desmond death coming up soon? Will he have to sacrifice himself on the island in order to save Penny, baby boy Charlie, and whoever else? More on that later.

This episode provided us with a look at what/who a few important characters cherish the most. While it was important to know who Desmond, Charlie, and Daniel saw in their flashes, ultimately, I think it'll come down to what the candidates (not the supporting players) see in their flashes and what choice the they make regarding their flash-sideways.

Desmond is now on a mission to track down fellow 815ers and show them a glimpse of what their lives should be like. The question is, will what they see be enough to get them to agree with Charlie; that nothing matters in sidewaysland? Since the big picture and end game of LOST deals with the candidates right now, we'll deal only with them. But "sacrifice" is a word that popped up more than a few times last night, and I think it's important to view these different flashes with that in mind.

The curtain will finally drop on the Jack, Kate, and Sawyer Show. No way will Sawyer see Kate, no matter how much we're led to believe that's a possibility. We're at the end of the series, time to flip over the cards and see where everyone stands. Therefore, I think Sawyer will see all the years he played house with Juliet, and of course her Swan song next to Jughead. I don't think that Charlie or Faraday saw their deaths (or sacrifices) in the brief flashes about Claire and Charlotte. With that in mind, I think Sideways Sawyer will see what happened to Juliet, and wished he had died in place of her. He missed that chance to bite the bullet for her and chose instead to do what he has always done: Survivin'. It should've been him in Juliet's place and his realization of that is gonna make him do something stupidly drastic. Small prediction: When we see Desmond catch up with Sawyer in the F-Sideways, we'll also see Miles, and see that none other than Pierre Chang is alive and well playing papa to Miles. On to Jack, now.



Jack will see Sarah? Of course not, but Modern Family rules so I just wanted to mention her. He'll see his life with idiot Kate and Aaron. Similar to Sawyer, he will ALSO see the misery it caused him. Jack already made the decision once (in the season 5 finale) that given the opportunity to wipe the slate clean of Kate, he would do it (so would all of us). I don't think he'll ignore the flash he'll see in sidewaysland, but he'll use that knowledge to reach a different conclusion. He definitely won't opt for the love that Charlie, Desmond, and Faraday see. Since Desmond already ran into Jack at the hospital, he'll have no trouble catching up with the Doc....right around the time he's giving Locke a consultation.

Locke will also see a flash (Helen of course, which won't surprise him, but her tombstone too, which will.) Notice a pattern? Jack, Locke, and Sawyer all see what they had...and subsequently LOST. Not a very convincing vision to embrace when each of them is leading a relatively more pleasant life in the sideways 'verse.



Any of the Kwon's will see what Herb already predicted. The family unit with Ji Yeon in the middle. They'll opt for love too, same as the Brits and Faraday. Sun will succumb to her womb's wounds in Sidewaysland and Jin will see just how much Sun really means to him when he sees a glimpse of the family. How will Desmond find them????? Well, Jin takes Sun to the hospital to treat the gunshot wound and you know the rest. Jack's gonna have a busy day soon in surgery. BUT, if Sun dies on the island, all bets are off. It could send him down Sawyer's and Jack's path.

Hurley is obvious. Libby will make her long-confirmed reappearance in his flash, and he'll opt for love. Will we see Starla as Hugo's sideways-squeeze? File under: who cares.

(BTW, next week is a Hurley episode. Hooray.)


Sayid, well, he's screwed. You just don't kill Dogen. Ever. If Sayid gets picked up by the law for the murder of Keamy, you might see a showdown between him and Officer Ford. Throw in a little Desmond and he gets to take care of both of them at the same time. Again, when Sayid sees the death of Nadia (maybe a sprinkle of Shannon's death too), he'll fall right in line with Jack & Co.

I don't care what Kate and Claire see because this is ultimately about what the candidates see, and thems ain't candidates.

So that leaves two distinct camps. Those that see the love that's worth fighting/dying/leaving the island for: Desmond, Jin/Sun, Hurley, Charlie, Faraday...

...and those that see the love that they had and LOST (whether to death or whatever) and now have nothing to go back for: Jack, Sawyer, Locke, Sayid.

But the notion of "free will" and "choices" keep popping up. The candidates in sidewaysland will get to choose. Will they believe Desmond, trying somehow to reach a life they've only seen in flashes? Or will they take what they see as a sign that they're better off in this matrix-like land of ignorance. I mentioned early the notion of "sacrifice" for those that gave their lives for those they loved. Well we already kinda know who each of the candidates love, so consider this: what if it's not about the choice that's made in sidewaysland, but a choice thats made in the other life that brings you TO sidewaysland, granting you the things you wish most.

Charlie sacrificed himself to get Claire and her baby off the island (in reality Aaron was able to leave but without Claire, who stays behinds and goes crazy/gets smacked around). Before he even got to the island, all he wanted was to reunite DriveShaft and have a shot at touring again. His selfless death brings him to a place where Claire is alive and well, along with Aaron, never setting foot on that island. His band is also intact, still getting plenty of airtime on the radio. Faraday's heroics got him what he wanted to, a life where Charlotte isn't in danger, where he gets to play the piano for a living, never becoming a scientist that results in turning his college crush into a vegetable. The translation isn't perfect, because ideally Charlie and Faraday would want to be with their loves, but sometimes what's best for the person you love the most is that they never got involved with you in the first place, something better exemplified...

...with Sayid. We have a guy who loves Nadia so much, all he wants is for her to be as far from harm as possible. The flash-sideways world granted him that, though to do so she cannot be with him, but I've digressed enough. Because the point of all this is to pick out from amongst the remaining candidates a successor. Will it come from the camp that believes all you need is love? Or will it come from the camp that has nothing to lose, and therefore nothing to leave the island for?

I believe there will be two successor's and they both will come from that second camp. One for Jacob (not a surprise) and one for MiB (oooooooooo). We keep thinking that being a candidate is a good thing. That's not necessarily the case. Rather than picking someone who is the embodiment of good or purity or whatever, I think the task of living forever as the island's caretaker is given to someone else entirely; someone who has given up their mortal attachments (like the people they love the most). Maybe it was that very reason why Richard was allowed to stay on the island forever, and the same reason why Jacob wouldn't bring his wife back. Richard needed to be free of his attachments if he were to live on the island forever as an advisor. Recall that MiB was once a man, until he was "stripped of his humanity." I believe his humanity might have been the love he had for someone (could be a wife, brother, sister, son, daughter, etc). When that person or people were taken from him (killed, probably) and he was brought to the island, he got tricked into being Jacob's sparring partner because he was the perfect candidate for the job: someone who lost his humanity. Doob has already mentioned that MiB "was once a candidate." Herb elaborated: "Maybe #108, Wallace?" I believe they're right, but he wasn't a candidate for Jacob's job, he was a candidate for the job he eventually got chosen for: the role of the Man In Black. Similarly, the 6 candidates we know of now aren't just candidates for Jacob's job, but Jacob's AND MiB's. Hmmm...

If you look at the candidates, we already disqualified Jin/Sun because they wouldn't give up each other to have Jacob's spot. With Hurley, I think it will be less about Libby and more about the fact that he's a family man who loves his mother and father that will keep him from wanting to be there forever. Also, it's Hurley, he never had a shot, really. Sawyer wants nothing more than to leave the island, as he's said time and time again. I don't think it would interest him to be Jacob or MiB anyway. Sayid is the one casualty of war I think we all see coming because his lifetime of killing is finally gonna bite him in the ass. Plus, I think he'll be happy to die if it means being with Nadia somehow. But assuming two successors will be chosen hinges on MiB actually doing what he's set out to do.

I think MiB will reach his goal and get off the island, but in order for him to leave without bringing all this evil, malevolence, darkness with him, he'll need to choose someone to give his gift too. But is he even evil?

MiB:
1. all about free will
2. doesn't want people to come to the island because they corrupt it and use the island's unique properties for their own gains.
3. turns to smoke to protect the island from unwanted and dangerous intruders.
4. can take form of dead people because....well because he has superpowers. who knows.
5. wants to leave the island because he's been there too long, and there is someone he loves somewhere that he has to get too (maybe in afterlife) i. e. he wants to die.
(we'll see a MiB backstory in the finale similar to alpert's. rooted in lots of love, sadness that he can't be with someone because of immortality, etc).

Jacob:
1. claims to be about free will but when he constantly "brings" people to the island, there's really no free will in that at all.
2. can grant immortality, but Richard himself compares it more to a curse than a gift.
3. doesn't care about proving MiB wrong, he knows people come to corrupt and he likes it that way.
4. you all know it's the twist that's coming.

MiB = GOOD

Jacob = BAD (or is he?)

The showdown has always been about two people in L O S T. Two different ideologies that constantly clash. Nevermind if they've swayed from the path a little bit in the show's later seasons, it all comes back to this. Did you see Jack's face when he was told Locke is back? RIVALRY STATUS CEMENTED. As I've said, Sawyer wants off the island more than anybody, he's not sticking around forever, and Sayid is gonna straight up get punished for the murdering he's been doing. But now that we know the players, what role do they assume?

How it plays out will be interesting because it could go either way. But I think it will go like this: MiB currently has Locke's body, so if he "leaves" the island it could be metaphorical, a way for his spirit to finally to be free of the island's chains, a way for him to finally be dead, and when his spirit is gone, Locke is left with his body back, and some smokey upgrades too. Locke = MiB, the good guy, constant protector of the island, which is what Locke always wanted to be. Locke was never afraid of the smoke monster because he saw himself in it. And loved it.

With Jack, I think they'll come to it a little differently. He'll be chosen as Jacob's successor, which seems like something Jack might not be entirely thrilled about. But it will be presented to him different than it is to Locke. Locke will embrace the idea of living on the island forever, acting as it's guardian. However, I have a feeling Jack will be picked as successor #1 first. He'll be told that when he becomes New Jacob, he (and only he) we'll have the power to defeat MiB once and for all. That's more Jack's style. He likes to be the hero. If he can defeat MiB once and for all, then maybe he won't even need to stay with the island. He can be the hero without all the drawbacks of immortal guard duty. But just like Jacob wanting Ben to stab him, MiB will want to be killed also, allowing his spirit to be free. He could never die before because Jacob never wanted to kill him. When Jack finally does the deed, Locke will remain as new MiB's successor, because the island's setup only works with these two opposing forces at work. Jack will think he's gotten rid of the problem, when it turns out Locke is now the new MiB. Joke's on Jack, something the writer's have been fond of for a while. Jack (the healer), will fit perfectly into Jacob's shoes. He won't need a scalpel to save lives anymore, he can do it with his magic hands.

And the show ends with Locke and Jack left with each other, similar to when we first see Jacob and MiB on the beach. Even their roles remain intact. Jack will want to bring people to the island hoping to find a candidate for his eventual replacement, Locke will get mad when they fuck with his baby, and try to stop him. It doesn't matter who is good and who is evil. With MiB and Jacob, it might never have been about good vs. evil, just about two guys who hate each other's guts, who each believe that THEY are right and the other's wrong. Two sides of the same coin. In that sense, Jack vs. Locke makes perfect sense.

Somewhere, maybe in a flash sideways, Doc Jensen just got a boner.

L O S T - Jin/Sun Up Next

For those of you hoping for back-to-back home runs after Alpert's episode last night, I've got some depressing news for you: The world's most hated/useless/pointless/ugly character is sharing her flashsideways with us next Tuesday, and she's dragging her husband along for the ride....Or is she? Not really a SPOILER ahead: Some websites have teased this as a shocker, but any LOST fans with half a brain realized in the season opener that Jin and Sun weren't married in their flashsideways. No wedding band and being called "Miss Paik" kinda made that clear.

Who. Gives. A. Shit.

Is there anybody out there I hate more than Sun-Hwa Kwon? Kate fights for her crown on a weekly basis, but in the end, Sun is far and away the worst. With each sentence out of her mouth, Kate's (similar to Sun's) level of stupidity and boneheadedness rises exponentially. But unlike Sun, Kate's role in L O S T could be an important one, and even an entertaining one if she ever stops acting like a goddamn retard. Despite very questionable tracking abilities, she has connections to important characters (Jack, Sawyer, Aaron), and has been around for important plot developments (trekking out to the cockpit, helping Claire give birth to Aaron, going on strike force ops, opening and exploring the hatch, getting captured by the Others five or six different times, raising Aaron, went back in time, etc.)

Sun's only connection is to Jin. She's entirely useless when he's not around, and since they got separated on the freighter allllllllllllllllllll the way back in season four, she's been absolute shit. In fact, even when Jin's around she's still a pointless character. Why she's still a series regular is beyond me. Searching for a long lost love can be accomplished effectively in a third of the screen time Sun gets, as evidenced by one Penelope Widmore.

Do I give a shit that she had Ji Yeon (a name JIN picked and an episode JIN owned, by the way)? No, because the kid is a loser with no special powers (see: Walt, Aaron, David "the Virtuoso" Shephard). I can count on one hand the noteworthy things she has done (and you can tell that each of these things are a reach for her character, things the writers forced on her so she'd remain in the story):

1. Started a crummy garden that barely provided anyone with anything.

2. Tried to be Jack's O.R. nurse

3. Mysteriousry knew Engrish.

4. Got pregnant on the island.

5. One of the Oceanic 6, though I can't explain it either.

You see? And I'm pretty sure that all of her important character developments only happen in the Jin/Sun-centric episodes. Which means once (sometimes twice) a season she tries to add something of value to the L O S T canon, the rest of the time she just dicks around. I want to fart in her face when I see her. When the writers chose Jin to go back in time with the A team, Sun's fate was sealed. They tried making her a power businesswoman in season four with laughable results, and so by season five they just said 'fuck it' and left her high and dry. She's been there ever since...

Is there anything to look forward to next week?

Well, we get to see Sun's swan song off the island, thank god.

And this might actually be the episode where Jin and Sun finally reunite.

Other than that, I'll be doing the same thing I do every L O S T night...

...hoping this happens:

L O S T : Pic of the Week

The episode better not blow tonight.

It is a Sawyer episode, after all.

Expectations = low.

Also, Charlotte's coming back.

This was her reaction when Cuse and

Lindelof called her up about it.

No, seriously. You can find the video

from her interview about it over at E!Online.

...But Still Awesome

Remember Steelers

fans, the most

important part of my

colleague's previous

post,

Huge Ben has won as

many Super Bowls as

he has raped*

overemotional

g-diggers.**

That's right.

Super Bowls, baby.

Two of 'em.***

*slept with

**allegedly

***six total, philly

BIG BEN IS INVINCIBLE

(mostly from tmz, but who cares)

The woman accusing Pittsburgh Steelers QB Ben Roethlisberger of sexual assault bragged about her sexual experience with him to a co-worker, according to a sworn affidavit filed in court.

A former co-worker of Andrea McNulty signed an affidavit saying McNulty told her "she was hoping for a 'little Roethlisberger.'" The affidavit was obtained by the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette.

She also said McNulty told her she wanted to travel to Pittsburgh in August 2008 to try and "run into" Roethlisberger, according to the sworn statement.

McNulty filed a civil suit against Roethlisberger last month, claiming he sexually assaulted her in his hotel room in July 2008.

Roethlisberger has denied any wrongdoing. He has two super bowl rings and philly blows. Go Steelers.

MUSIC: The New Shits

(from some other website that won't care if we quote them: "Them Crooked Vultures, the superband featuring Foo Fighters’ Dave Grohl, Queens of the Stone Age’s Josh Homme, and Led Zeppelin’s John Paul Jones, will play its first show Aug. 9 at Chicago’s Metro, the BBC reports. Grohl initially talked about the new hard rock band in 2005, but this will be the public’s first chance to actually hear the group’s music. The band started recording material earlier this year. It better not suck ass." I wrote that last part.

Dr. Stonehill? Telephone call for you...he says his name is Oscar.*

*i mean, FLOBY.


I don't want to tell you the plot because then you won't want to see it.
Just know three things:

1. This either loses points for not having a title yet, or it's actually called The Untitled Crowley Project, in which case it's the best movie of the year.**

2. Harrison Ford plays unconventional doctor Dr. Robert Stonehill. A hero doctor not dissimilar to Dr. Jack Shephard.

and 3. One of the men in this photo is a baldy in real life...Hint: it's not the old man.



**or worst

go see it?

VIDEO GAME REVIEW: Ghostbusters

*By Dave*

I've known about this game for quite a while, back when it was being rumored. I was excited to play it when I heard that the story and screenplay for the game was written by Comedy DemiGods Harold Ramis and Dan Aykroyd. The next sign of good news came when most of the original cast came back with Ray and Egon to voice their respective characters (including Bill Murray, Ernie Hudson, Annie Potts, and the uptight guy who plays Walter Peck). Even Bryan Doyle Murray shows up to help, though voicing the new Mayor of NYC. I then got my hands on the demo, and sure enough, everything about it was enjoyable, so I decided to go out and rent it. All the stars seemed to align for it, and the game delivered in a big way.

The script is funny, with laughs coming from all the characters. The story is original, set in 1991, and takes the Ghostbusters to new lengths to stop the ghosts from having their way. The PS3 graphics were near flawless. Characters were a complete match to their acting counterparts (Ernie Hudson looks so accurate it's scary). The environments were very detailed and always impressive. Even boring library interiors looked amazing, so when you're taken to parallel ghost dimensions, the backgrounds had me stopped and looking around at everything, even mid battle against Class 5 Roaming Animators! But when it comes to curious exploration, it doesn't get better than the former firehouse-turned-Ghostbuster HQ. Lots of fun stuff to check out and interact with. Playing with the proton pack never got boring either, and throughout the game new effects keep getting added to it to ensure the fun never died. Old friends show up throughout the game, like the Librarian from the film's first scene, and Stay Puft Marshallow Man. The easter eggs are great when you can find them, bonus points for the Vigo painting (which is back at Ghostbuster HQ for analyzing) taunting you whenever you go passed it. And keep your eyes peeled for a choice Indy reference.

A few faults are pervasive throughout the game. For one, while the voice acting is great, some of the interplay between the characters seems stilted. Having all four Ghostbusters doing their lines together in the same room, riffing off eachother, would've been a great improvement (no matter how impossible to schedule). Secondly, while the angle of playing as the new recruit works well, it would've been far better to have the recruit say something every now and then. He says absolutely nothing. This isn't GTA 3. You can't get away with that crap anymore. There's a little too much reliance on the existing films also. You battle Stay Puft. Again. You fight in the hotel from the first movie and wreck up their ballroom right before a party with the annoying Hotel guy yelling at you about the bill the whole time. Again. You go down to the Library stacks and chase the Gray Lady, again. Lastly, it would've been incredibly ideal to have Sigourney Weaver back for a few lines, and it would've turned a good game into a legendary game had Rick Moranis reprised his role as Louis, the sweaty, nervous Accountant/Tax Attorney. As I've said before on this website, he's notoriously hard to get when it comes to acting gigs these days. The man is enjoying semi-retirement and so the game will suffer a tad for it (only a tad though). These faults are minor , and only worth mentioning because it's a review.

The pros far outweigh the cons. The game is certainly challenging, not at all a walkthrough. The fights are lots of fun, and there's a lot of satisfaction with each ghost you capture in the trap. It's the closest to being a Ghostbuster you and me will ever see, so soak it in and enjoy.

FINAL VERDICT: B

Review: Funny People

*By Dave*

We've covered Apatowmania before on this website, and I guess we've added to it by reviewing everything he gets his hands on, including web skits. That being said, it seems this country's lovefest with the guy is starting to fade. Public reaction so far to his writing/directing follow up to 'The 40 Year Old Virgin' and 'Knocked Up' has been lukewarm at best. You're either in the camp that likes the film for what it is, or thinks it's a self-indulgent mess relying on too many assists from celebrity pals. Count me in the former. I can certainly see why this movie didn't get the big opening dollars, but it's a little puzzling why a lot of people who saw the movie didn't really care too much for it. Of course a lot of those idiots when in with expectations for a continuation of the raunchy hilarity Apatow laced his previous films with. I saw this movie because I thought the plotline had potential for smart laughs and a cast to pull it off. I didn't have reservations about what it should be like because that just sets you up for a bummer. I knew going in it would be a dramedy, and I got what I came for.

Adam Sandler was right at home playing a George Simmons, a comedian-turned--movie-star making a fortune off playing morons with strange voices. Kudos has to be given to Sandler for lampooning himself and his career choices. Simmons finds out early that he's suffering from a rare blood disease that carries an 8% survival rate with it. He responds to the bad news by going back to his roots, performing stand up at a small comedy club. He abruptly bombs, but befriends a young stand up named Ira (Seth Rogen, will Apatow ever not use him???) and hires him to write jokes and do assistant-type things. The rest of the film follows a series of relationships: George's with his ex-soulmate, Ira's with his roommates, and George's with Ira.

As I said before, I really like this movie. Apatow proves again that crude humor can still be both smart and poignant. Jonah Hill and Jason 'Max Fisher' Schwartzman are highlights as Rogen's roommates. Sandler switches his mood often in the film, moods that include over-the-top, irate, and incredibly depressed, all of it genuine to his character to. Rogen, who I know for a fact Herb hates, does a great job at not being so Sethrogeny in this. His character is a little more sincere, a little more pathetic than usual. Throw in effective peformances from Leslie Mann and Eric Bana, and what's left is only a few minor beefs with this movie.

For one, it's long. Way long. Almost as long as this review. And I won't crucify the whole film for being almost two and a half hours. It was long, but at the same time, I wasn't ready for it be over when it was. The biggest thing that bugged me throughout was how connected to reality it was. Movies are supposed to be an escape for people, an opportunity to invest in a story and it's fictional characters. But as I was trying to do just that, what I got instead was a constant reminder of the existence of the real life actors, if that makes sense. I wanted to get to know these characters, making their conflicts and stories all the more interesting. But once Ira stops being Ira and starts being Seth Rogen pretending to be Ira, then the conflicts and storylines become unemotional and meaningless. And it happened to all the characters, too, that's what reaallly bugged me. Adam Sandler pretty much played himself, and Adam Sandler doesn't have cancer (that we know of) therefore Adam Sandler's battle with it seemed really fake. George Simmon's battle, on the other hand, would be highly interesting. Ira gets ridiculed in the beginning for having just lost 20 or 30 lbs (something Rogen had done for another movie), and gets made fun of for not being as fat and therefore, not as funny. Leslie Mann, supposed to be playing Eric Bana's wife and mother of their 2 kids, comes across only as Apatow's real life wife when both their children appear for much of the film's last third. When private home movies of theirs are later shared, it only makes it worse.

Again, the flaws were only a problem when they were noticeable. When reminders of real life weren't thrown in our faces, the film was quite good.

Lastly, while some cameos of celebrities playing themselves were stupid and pointless (Eminem), fellow comedian friends of George Simmons playing themselves were hilarious (Norm MacDonald, PAUL REISER, Ray Romano even).

All in all, a very enjoyable film with a main character that brings the best parts out of Adam Sandler. Judd Apatow may have lost some of his public momentum, but I think this is the movie he always wanted to make and was using his Hollywood klout to bring it to the screen, daring people to hate it. I liked it.

FINAL VERDICT: B+

INDY 5: The Search For More Money?

Over a year ago, the summer movie season that spawned The Dark Knight and WALL-E started off with everyone's favorite geriatric archaeologist and his band of terrible supporting characters. Kingdom of the Crystal Skull premiered to much anticipation and perhaps too much hype. We all hoped for something along the lines of the Last Crusade; a film that embraced the spirit of the Indy films before it while giving us a fresh take on the Indy character. What we got instead was the result of 20 years of George Lucas pouting til he got his way.

Which Crystal Skull viewers were more pissed off, those that had a feeling it would be about aliens (and spent half the movie wishing it wouldn't actually happen), or those of you refusing to suspect something so laughable and then getting blindsided with a flying saucer. I was firmly in the camp of Alien Suspicion. Frankly, it seemed like the world's worst kept secret. You take the director responsible for E.T., Close Encounters, and War of the Worlds and put him in the room with the brain behind the life (and death) of the Star Wars franchise, you just knew George would eat that shit up with a side of Tantan guts. Lucas wanted Aliens from the beginning, everyone else did not. A stand-off occurred, and it looked like no side would cave. Lucas was busy becoming uber-rich by milking every last cent from his baby, and Spielberg was enjoying lots of continued success with his projects. Something tells me if it were up to just those two guys, the movie would never have been made.

Sadly, a third party had a say in it also. Harrison Ford was once the most bankable man in Hollywoodland, and when the 90's left us, so did his ability to pick good scripts. Turd after turd found the man quickly losing his loyal audience. Those who lined up in droves to see Air Force One found it more entertaining to play the Sims in their mom's basement than see Hollywood Homicide. Who can blame 'em? He needed a hit, something to remind everyone that yea, he eats bad guy's faces. It seemed his last gasp grasp came at the Indy franchise, and while he once steadfastly refused to touch anything related to aliens, he found himself not only considering the option, but agreeing to it faster than George Lucas can fuck a gungan. Ford put the carpenter squeeze on Spielberg and thus, Indy 4.

I've seen Crystal Skull a lot, and while I love a good bit of it, I really really hate Mutt, the fridge, the aliens, and the ending. The most satisfying part of the movie, however, is the fallout: the person the fans blamed for it. No one blamed Spielberg, we figured he did the best with what he had and is only guilty of being Georgey Boy's doormat. Ford was considered by many to be the lone shining light of the movie, pushing it beyond 'merely watchable' to 'rather enjoyable'. Yes, Fat Neck Lucas takes the most blame. And rightly so.

Through it all though (and this is where my post creeps into relevance), Indy 4 managed to snake in serious dollars. And any time that happens, Lucas awakes from his stormtrooper-filled wet dream with thoughts of s e q u e l on the brain. Uh oh. The talk began immediately, with Lucas coming right out and saying "well, if there's gonna be another movie, it falls to me to come up with the story, because if I didn't I wouldn't have any association with the movie at all." He rightly flip flopped on his previous stance and said that Mutt would continue to sit on the sidelines sucking dick, and that the focal point in an Indy movie would forever be Indy (I know, a no-brainer right?)

Now everyone's favorite douche has chimed in. Shia LaBeouf claims that he talks with Sir Spielberg now and then, and in their last conversation Steven says he's 'cracked the story' for Indy 5. Apparently, everything is rolling along. Paramount Pictures have come out and said that they won't be the studio behind a new Indiana Jones movie (a bit shocking), letting their pals at NBC-Universal to do it instead. The latest bit of news happened today. Frank Marshall, producer for all four Indy films has come out with this interesting bit of info:

"It's really about the script," said Marshall. "Once we see that, we'll see. We're not going to wait another 20 years. We'd all love to make another one. I'm anxious to hear the idea!" I guess he doesn't even know what idea LaBarf is talking about. "Until there's a script, nothing's definite. I haven't heard the idea." Marshall confirmed that the three heavyweights are all in for another Indy film. "Yeah. We had a great time making the last one and, as Harrison said, we need to make this one soon. We're not getting any younger."

And there you have it. The sequel we expected but hoped against (similar to the aliens) is making some progress. How do we feel about this?

Well, Indy's married with a step-child now. The ONLY way and I mean the absolute ONLY way that Indy 5 will be any good is if Indy leaves the weak links at home and goes off adventuring without them. We've had enough of Shia. Let him stay at home wanking to James Dean posters. He killed Crystal Skull, he will kill again...

Marion, she's alright, but is now too old and too ugly to keep up with Indy. Let Doc Jones ride off to the Mid East or something, reunite with Sallah, find the mother of all artifacts, and kick it old school. He can find some new flame there and flirt with the idea of infidelity. Heck, he can give some young girl the business for all I care. The worst thing they could've done was handcuffed him at home with a wife, so just let him run around being Indy Jones for Christ's sake. The fans demand nothing short of a full-fledged return to classic Indiana Jones. I'm all for a good sequel. Harrison is up for it still, but once he hits 70 it's all over. Jesus, he's almost that old? He can still play younger, as he's done his whole career, so I'm not too worried about passing him off as The Man With The Hat. Follow these simple instructions and the fans will return.

So there.