...But Still Awesome

Remember Steelers

fans, the most

important part of my

colleague's previous

post,

Huge Ben has won as

many Super Bowls as

he has raped*

overemotional

g-diggers.**

That's right.

Super Bowls, baby.

Two of 'em.***

*slept with

**allegedly

***six total, philly

Fat Ben Accused of Rape... Again

Sooooo disappointing.... what a huge idiot....

So Fat Ben Roethlisberger has allegedly raped as many girls as he has won Super Bowls, and Steeler fans (especially those in hostile southwestern Ohio) are left stunned and embarrassed. The details are kinda sketchy. All we know is the alleged victim is a 20 year old college student. Big Ben and Willie Colon were out bar hopping in Georgia (where Ben has a house), and eventually hit multiples bars with the victim. Supposedly, the sexual assault took place inside a bathroom, and she didn't waste much time reporting it to the cops.

Speaking of the cops, they interviewed everyone involved and will be holding a press conference soon. Stay tuned to tmz.com and profootballtalk.com for more updates.

The only thing Ben is guilty of is a hideous mullet... (and being fat).

Survivor: Heroes vs. Villains

For Survivor's tenth year and 20th season, they decided on a second edition of All-Stars, but this time the tribes are divided between castaways who succeeded at playing the game with honor and integrity, and those who schemed and lied their way to the top. We are only 4 episodes in (watch them online), and here are the best highlights:

• In the very first challenge of the very first episode, Rupert broke his toe, Stephanie dislocated her shoulder, and Sugar's bra was unhooked and ripped off by Sandra (but it didn't stop Sugar from running to the finish line topless)
• The Heroes Tribe and Villain Tribe immediately started operating differently, kinda like Mufasa vs. Scar. The Heroes were physically stronger and dominated the athletic part of challenges, but the Villains skill with strategy/puzzles have powered them to a 3-1 lead through 4 episodes.
• The labels are starting to shift to the middle. Originally, the Heroes had strong team chemistry, hard work ethic, and a better built shelter. The Villains spent most of their time scheming and had a piss poor shelter as a result. However, the Heroes have already fractured into alliances and decided to have an 'every-man-for-themself' search for the hidden immunity idol. The Villains (mostly because they keep winning) are now more cohesive as a unit, and they decided to avoid the idol. If anyone broke off from the group to search for it, they were marked for death (ahem..... Russell).
• In my Survivor pool at work, I drafted Coach Wade with the 10th pick. He's by far the most eccentric guy on the Island. He's arrogant, chauvinistic, and he's not afraid to compare himself to "legends" like King Arthur. He is, however, afraid of getting his feelings hurt, as you'll see in the clip below. It turns out, surprisingly, that the Villains would rather mock a guy for spouting MLK, Sun Tzu, and Confucius quotes. They also laugh at him for putting feathers in his hair, doing Tai Chi, and telling his farfecthed adventure stories. Still, the guy is incredibly entertaining, so here's hoping he sticks around...
• Russell, the most dominating player in Survivor history, is trying to hard to compete for air time amongst the Villains that he's up to his old bag of tricks (see the second video).
  
• Boston Rob passed out from a nasty flu and was so disoriented and weak that he couldn't even bring a bottle of water to his lips without pouring water all over himself. He then broke down and cried to Probst for ten minutes about how he respects the game too much to let it beat him.
• Last night, the game featured it's first blindside of the season AND the successful playing of a hidden immunity idol. The majority (James, Rupert, JT, Cirie, Amanda, and Candice) would split their votes 3-3 between Tom and Colby to account for Tom playing the idol (which he did). However, they did not expect JT to switch his vote and help out the two nice guys. The votes for Tom ended up not counting, Colby only drew two votes, and Cirie was sent home with 3. Blindsides are awesome.

Enjoy the clips, and watch this awesome show.

tv sucks, bring on the FLOBYs!

LOST Review: Sundown

"Sundown" was Sayid's episode to shine, and it would be silly of me to say that we covered new ground with the character. I could start with the old saying, "insanity is repeating the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." Or I could use "fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me." Either way, it's kinda funny that almost every single Sayid story revolves around the same point: Sayid wants to believe he's not a killer.... but he really is. Surprise ending.

Whether it's "I swore I'd never do that again" or or "I'm a good person" or "I'm not that man anymore," it doesn't matter... and it definitely doesn't matter to Sawyer, Nadia, Henry Gale, Widmore's men, lil Ben, and all the other men he's (regretfully) tortured/killed. We can now add Dogen and Lennon to that list. First, Dogen convinced Sayid he had to kill a god (no small task), but really he was playing the dumb Iraqi. Knowing that Smokey wouldn't die, Dogen hoped Sayid would then be killed and rid of the "sickness." Since Sayid's inherent evil is probably linked with Smokey, there was no way Locke would disregard a big asset. And so he turns the tables back on the fools at the Temple. Sayid pulls a one-man Trojan Horse, struts back into the Temple, and drowns the Gatekeeper and his interpreter.

Locke is then able to storm the Temple like the famous F5 tornado in nearby Xenia, OH, and Sayid's journey to the dark side is complete. Can we finally put this story to bed? Sayid is an evil killer beyond saving. End of discussion.

Other awesome thoughts about LOST:

• Come on Sayid... at least part of you had to wonder that Kate was the person you were supposed to kill upon leaving the Temple. How great would it have been if you had just strolled up to her and impaled her!?! I guess someone else has dibs on the honor...
• Um.... even with a running head start, why didn't Richard beat Claire and Smokey to the Temple?
  
• With most of the cast coming together (and some help from Jack and Jin cameos), they almost got the entire cast into one episode (tough break, Sawyer).
• If Smokey's allowed to cheat by throwing objects at people to knock them out of their ash ring of protection, why can't he just have Claire sweep away at the ring outside the temple so he can get in?
• For not knowing or caring about Dogen, his one little heartfelt story about killing his little boy in a drunk driving accident still got to me. And when the baseball floated to the top of the pool... so sad...
• Did anyone else not care about Sayid's sidestory? Again, we were given the whole "Seriously, guys, I'm NOT a killer!" routine, but we all knew that names would be taken and skulls would be cracked. AND WHAT A GREAT CAMEO BY MOBSTER MARTIN KEAMY!!!
• When Locke told Sayid that he would be able to see his dead wife again, were you also thinking it had more to do with the flash-sideways universe and less to do with regular timeline resurrection?
• Ben is responsible for the deaths of probably a billion people, including his daughter and JACOB, yet he seems to be on the path of redemption right now. If he can be saved, Sayid could, too. I know I just said Sayid is "beyond saving. End of discussion," but it wouldn't surprise me if had a happy ending since he's such a fan favorite.
• Then again, if Sayid knew that Jacob distracted him long enough to allow Nadia to be hit by the car, he'd stick with Smokey to the end...
  

Overall, I give this episode a B. I don't care much for the bizarro world, but the sundown showdown was pretty entertaining. And now that we're on the cusp of a full cast reunion, it's a very exciting time. We weren't given many answers about the mythology of the Island, but it appears the WAR has begun. So far, it's a whitewash for the Man in Black. Check back in next week when Jin and Sun probably reunite, and we probably get another lame sidestory...

HBO Picks Up 'A Game of Thrones'

Despite stupidly waiting until the beginning of spring to announce this, fanboys will still storm the boards with declarations that "Winter is Coming." If you don't get that quote, than do yourself a favor and read George R.R. Martin's "A Song of Ice and Fire" series. HBO had filmed a pilot, and today that agreed to 9 more episodes which will probably cover the first book in the series, entitled "A Game of Thrones."

Your first reason to watch this: it's HBO... and HBO rarely makes a mistake. They sunk a huge budget into ROME which is probably the greatest historical drama ever created. The Wire is quietly one of the greatest crime dramas of all time, and Sopranos dominated the Emmys in every year of existence. Hell, it even took the gay vampire craze and made a show respectable enough that my brother raves about it. You can expect the network to give top notch treatment to the fantasy genre, which is something no other major network has ever done.

Your second reason? AGoT kicks ass. Did you like Lord of the Rings? It's kinda like that, except instead of wasting pages and pages on describing scenery, you get political scheming and intrigue. Think Harry Potter is the greatest thing ever? Yeah right... try adding blood and guts and whores to the mix. Despite having dragons and giants and ghosts and weird "magic," Thrones is one of the most realistic fantasy novels I've ever read. People swear and stink, and often the worst things happen to the good guys. There are retards and rapists and little people. You get the high and mighty upper class with their family crests and mottos, and you also get the people in the gutters that eat shit and mud and fleas.

Your third reason? SEAN BEAN, aka "006 Boromir," is the main character and he's drawing rave reviews. Trust me, if they even cover half of the books, you won't want to miss it...

Tim Burton kinda stinks now

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