Since expanding the field to 90 players, this is the third time I've updated the LOST Big Board (here are the othertwo), but it probably won't be the last. I still intend on rewatching the entire series in order, and who knows what will change (the last time I rewatched it all, Mr. Eko took a huuuuuge hit). Below you'll see the revised order, complete with Season 6's new characters. Instead of showing their old rank in parenthesis, I showed how much they gained or dropped. Alex Rousseau went up the most (+22), while Eleanor Hawking went down the most (-20).
10. Richard Alpert - The once-immortal Ricardos climbed into the Top Ten thanks to his sweeping love story, "Ab Aeterno." Richard was badass before Season 6, but we finally got to learn why he's immortal (thanks to Jacob), why he chose to be immortal (to avoid Hell), and why he has one on the BEST themes in the whole show. Of all the feel good moments in the finale, Richard sprouting a gray hair was one of the best.
9. Frank Lapidus - I can't answer for your LOST party, but at MY LOST party, the biggest cheer came when Lapidus was found among the sub wreckage... alive!!! After 10-15 more one-liners, ole' Frank saved the day by flying the remaining castaways off the Island for good... probably.
8. Man in Black - Titus Welliver combined with Terry O' Quinn yielded one of the most lethal characters in the show. The original MIB showed how vulnerable the character could be (remember he never chose to become Smokey), and then Locke/MIB unleashed all hell to give LOST one of the great baddies in modern TV. The guy spent 1500 years planning the deaths of everyone that ever landed on that rock, and in spite of that, you probably still feel a hint of sadness when he fell to his death (unless you feel that him dying allowed him to "leave" the Island).
7. Christian Shephard - Way back when I started writing about LOST stuff (Season 3 Finale Running Diary), I was demanding a scene between Jack and Ghost Christian. Just to piss me off, the writers waited until the last scene of the last episode to deliver the goods. If you thought the scene was cheesy and a betrayal to everything the show represented, then you suck and I hate you. What I saw was a big emotional payoff between a father and son finally realizing what's important in life. He gets bonus points for his seamless transition from abusive dad --> cool, abusive dad --> cool dad.
6. Juliet Burke - Kind of a no-show this season with the exception of a sweet finale cameo, I'll just repost what I wrote in January. "Hottest chick in the whole cast. She was so close to leaving the Island 3 times (on the sub in Season 3, on the freighter in Season 4, on the sub again in Season 5), it breaks your heart that she met her end at the bottom of a drill hole. How many people in this world can beat the shit out of Kate, talk down stubborn Jack, and soften up asshole Sawyer? Only one..."
5. Ben Linus - Big Ben dropped a few pegs because he wasn't the manipulative heavyweight that controlled the group in seasons past. This year, he played second fiddle to pretty much everyone else. Even his big payback shot on Charles Widmore went by a little too fast. So why is he still top 5? Simple... cause sideways Dr. Linus probably banged Rousseau.
4. Jacob - "Across the Sea" came awful close to damaging Jacob's Big Board potential. It portrayed him as a whiny momma's boy too afraid to see the truth in the world. Nonetheless, every time he made an appearance on the Island to speak with Richard, Hurley, or the remaining candidates was flat-out AWESOME!!! Also, in case you didn't check out Jacob's hilarious appearance on Totally Lost, watch it now. It completely justifies this rank.
3. Desmond Hume - In the last season, Desmond out-Jacobed Jacob by helping all of the sideways characters realize they're dead and then ferried them to the afterlife. So what if he got a little chubby in the final season? Don't believe me? Compare exhibits A and B. Anyway, Desmond ended up being the third most important character in the show, so of course he's third on my list.
2. Jack Shephard - Season 6, and LOST as a whole, is the story of Jack. They purposely wrote him to be an overbearing, headstrong, impulsive, stubborn leader in the first 3 seasons so we all could appreciate his transformation in later seasons. Everyone I've talked to that have hated in Jack in the past cannot deny how much he dominated the final act. And that last scene was BRILLIANT! Here's the first scene played backwards to show how it's mirrored.
1. John Locke - No one should be surprised by this pick. I've had Locke as my number one since the beginning, and even though he died midway through season 5, he came back in the sideways world and reminded all of us how great a character he is. Gone was the anger and the resentment. In almost every scene this season, he acted like he did when he first stood up on the Island way back in season one. His unwavering strength and optimism helped Jack get over his missing dad in "LA X," and it greeted him with open arms at the church in "the End." It came down to Jack and Locke in the end, and since Locke's faith won over Jack's science, he maintains the top spot on the Big Board.
As storied as Pittsburgh is when it comes to sports history, I was still surprised to think that you could tally up 50 big wins in the last 20 years. A third of this list may be filled with Pitt Panthers lameness, but the rest is solid black and gold moments. I remember jumping (and reinjuring) my broken ankle when Mario scored in his comeback game (#38). I remember leaping on the couch and dropping burning hot pizza on my leg when Straka undressed Olie the Goalie in Game 6 OT against the Caps (#46). I remember not being able to stay awake back in 1995, but my Dad told me the next morning how Petr Nedved won the game after 4 OTs (#15). Of course, the counter-memory to that is not being able to stay awake in 2000 and watching Keith Primeau break our spirits after 5 OTs. And finally, all of the awesome Steeler victories in recent memory make me think of being lazy at Penn State.
Read through the list to see what entries are overrated (#17 and #32) and which ones are underrated (#23). Below is a quick breakdown of how many times each team makes an appearance on the list (yes... I know they add up to 49), and then an in-depth look at the Top 10.
1. 2/1/09 - Super Bowl 43 - Steelers 27, Cardinals 23 – No surprise here. On sports' biggest stage, the Steelers 6th championship provided big plays, last-second heroics, and some sweet HD visuals. I watched this game at a Buffalo Wild Wings in Appleton, WI amidst a sea of Steeler haters. It was a w e s o m e .
2. 6/12/09 - Stanley Cup Game 7 - Penguins 2, Red Wings 1 – After the Steelers SB43 victory, I jumped and danced in the B-Dubs parking lot, but that feeling cannot compare to jumping up and down in my present-day apartment here in SW Ohio. The long grind of the Stanley Cup playoffs.... coming back and taking the wings to 7... just the general underdog feeling against the Big Red Machine... it all combines for a moment far sweeter than any Super Bowl.
3. 5/26/92 - Stanley Cup Finals Game 1 - Penguins 5, Blackhawks 4 -I have no problem with this game being listed at number 3, but I definitely do not remember watching it. I was just finishing up kindergarten when this was played, so in all likelihood I was napping.
4. 5/25/91 - Stanley Cup Finals Game 6 - Penguins 8, North Stars 0 – Ditto to this. Jay could probably be the only one to write about this, but I doubt he watched it, either.
5. 1/15/06 - AFC Divisional Game – Steelers 21, Colts 18 – Before 2009, this probably would've been my number victory of all time. After all, I had never experienced a championship season before this. I was used to getting kicked around by the Broncos, Patriots, and a number of other teams that always seemed to be better than the Steelers come January. But it was this game that had me convinced we were Super Bowl bound. Betting on the Steelers to win when they were huge underdogs sure didn't hurt, either. I watched this game in my dorm room with Dave and Andy, and I remember collapsing to the ground after Buttis' fumble, only to jump up and run down the hall shouting after Vanderjagt hooked his field goal, which is still probably sailing wide right.
6. 12/1/07 - Pitt 13, West Virginia 9 – Who cares? Not me.
7. 6/2/08 Stanley Cup Game 5 Penguins 4, Red Wings 3 (3 OT) – The 2008 Pens Playoff run often hinted at greatness and comparisons to Star Wars, but in the end it wasn't meant to be. Once such glimmer of hope was Petr Sykora, not long after calling his shot to Pierre McGuire, drilling the game-winner in OT. I was watching this at my mom's house to take a break from my Elder Scrolls marathon, which was much more fun than watching the Pens blow it in Game 6.
8. 1/14/96 - AFC Championship - Steelers 20, Colts 16 – One of my oldest memories as a Steelers fan is 3 more yards back in 1995. I watched that heartbreaking championship defeat (the first of many under Cowher's regime) at my Pap's house, and I remember storming out onto the porch after it happened, but probably only because my older brother did it first. Anyway, the next year went much better, as I again got to sing "Here We Go" all the way to my Pap's house to watch the Steelers prevent a desperate Hail Mary from the Comeback Kid.
9. 5/10/01 -Eastern Conference Semifinals Game 7 - Penguins 3, Sabres 2 (OT) – The year of Lemieux's comeback, the Pens memorable playoff push involved OT clinchers against both Washington and Buffalo, but the Game 7 victory deserves it's spot in the Top Ten. Probably the unlikeliest of heroes on this entire list, Darius Kasparaitis threw a weak shot at the net that my dad could probably kick save, and yet it found it's way past the Dominator. I also watched this game at my Pap's house, and like the Game 6 clincher against the Caps, it ended with me jumping up and down on the couch.
10. 6/9/09 Stanley Cup Game 6 Penguins 2, Red Wings 1 - I'm not sure this one really deserves to be in the Top Ten. It was more tense and nerve-racking than exciting, and I'd put the Game 7 annihilation of Ovechkin's crew (#14) ahead of this snoozefest. To reinforce how boring it was, I watched this game alone in my apartment, and probably even forget to wear my Crosby jersey.
Before a whole new game starts tomorrow night with "LA X", it's important to first reflect on all the times that LOST produced game-changing moments, or as Ben Linus would say, "changed the rules." Part of the fun of watching this show is that at least twice a season, it completely the knocks the storyline "off its axis" so-to-speak. Now, a lot of spooky things happen on the island, but that doesn't mean they are pivot points of the show (for example, "Help Me"). Also, you won't find fluff like Hugo driving a VW, or sappy stuff like Charlie/Claire. You won't even find Smokey running amok. Nor will you see distractions like Libby, Jin/Sun, Charlotte, or even Waaaalt. Nope, listed below are just the most mind-blowing, frog-squishing, earth-shattering moments from LOST's five glorious seasons. Enjoy. (NOTE: Ranked in chronological order of viewing. You decide which is most profound.)
Not since Andy's poker face has something so slight meant so much. With the simple wiggle of his right big toe, John Locke discovers this ain't your typical Sandals vacation. Sure, the island housed mysterious jungle creatures, ominous radio broadcasts, fugitives, and general disarray, but let's be honest -- wasn't that the basic plot to Lord of the Flies? The wiggle changed all of that. Of course, for us, the payoff doesn't hit until 40 minutes later; but when it does, both Locke and the Island are seen in an entirely new light. After that, we are left hanging on every bit of Locke's non-sense. After that, dead people walking around doesn't seem so absurd. This moment took network TV story-telling to a new level, as Locke's "condition" was hung directly under our noses the entire time yet we didn't even notice. Over 100 episodes later, it's the best idea that Lindelof never thought of. Not just a game-changer, but a tone-setter for the entire show.
For 9 or 10 episodes, the show seemed to be playing out like an expanded version of Cast Away. One shattered plane. Dozens of survivors stranded on the island. Trouble signs all over the place, but by all indications, the island was generally deserted. That is, until Sayid found a cable, a French woman, and whispers. And when he came stumbling back into Jack's arms, shrieking, "WE'RE NOT ALONE," it was LOST's equivalent of 5-Hour Energy. Only seconds later, Hugo had the manifest, Ethan had Claire, and the adventure was on. What followed was a season-long string of fantastic events, from Scott's Murder, to a jungle stakeout of Ethan, to "RUN HIDE OR DIE", to "We're gonna have to take the boy."
While Boone was easily the most overrated character on Herb's Top 90, there's no denying the fact that he was a huge part of LOST's genesis. Just think...if Boone catches that flashlight, gingerly tossed to him from Locke, then everyone is on an entirely different trajectory (hmmm....reboot idea?). Locke himself probably just hunts boar for the next 3 months before stumbling into a Rousseau trap. But instead, the loser drops it....and HATCHMANIA is born. From this moment onward, the Hatch became THE central plotline and spawned endless developments. Don't forget, 13 long episodes went by before the door was actually blown open. Trebuchets. Numbers. Glowing Lights. C4. Quarantines. Desmond. Shelter. Guns. And eventually, DHARMA. The hatch led to Jack and Locke not seeing eye-to-eye. And don't forget that Desmond's brains might be splattered next to Radzinsky's had Locke not come apoundin' on the Hatch door one night. "The Hatch, Jack -- all of it -- all of it happened so that we could open the Hatch."
While this moment is ultimately a byproduct of finding the Hatch door weeks earlier, it's still huge because of all the massive anticipation as to what was actually inside (Aliens? China?). The eventual answer was always going to change the game. And whether you agreed with the revelation or not, part of what made the moment so profound was that the writers delivered an answer immediately. Who will ever forget the peaking heads of Jack and Locke playing us out of Season One....then playing us directly back into Season Two? From there, Desmond tells us the world is gonna end unless we develop a season-long obsession with the 'EXECUTE' button. That leads to a myriad of questions like, "What DO the numbers mean?" to "Why do you find it so hard to believe?" to "Walt?...Dad?"
While pushing the button certainly offered many overly dramatic moments that made Carlton Cuse giggle, the only moment that really mattered was when they DIDN'T push it. The result was a sweet electromagnetic pulse which exposed the island and alerted a snowy scientific base. When Penny Widmore answers their call, we realize that for the first time, someone OFF the island has noticed its position! This was a big deal for viewers, especially after zero rescue attempts, Hugo's theory that they were all dead, and Desmond's talk of snowglobes. This was a BIGGER deal for a guy named Charles, who also happened to witness this same anomaly. I wonder how many seconds passed before he speed-dialed Keamy, started digging up graves, sunk a phony 747, and ordered Matty Abbaddon to assemble a shady freighter team???
7. NEW OTHERTON
"A Tale of Two Cities", Season Three
"New Otherton" was a game-changer because it blew open the show's entire landscape, both plot-wise and geography-wise. Who knew the island was big enough to have an entire civilized town go unnoticed? Or a submarine? Or a SECOND island? Up until they revealed New Otherton, we pretty much assumed that Henry Gale and The Others were all about beards, barefeet, blowdarts, and homemade nunchuks (so dumb at 7:25). Then we caught a glimpse of their perfectly modern village, seemingly stolen from The Truman Show. Suddenly it opened our eyes to a community of wholesome people who did things like bake muffins, throw football, start bookclubs,....and annihilate hippie scientists. It didn't really come into focus as to why it was built until later, but "New Otherton" was necessary in order to show distinction between DHARMA and The Alperts, both in 2005 and 1977. And let's never forget how it saved the show from its dark times of polar bear cages and fish biscuits.
Yeah, yeah, the survivors did some sweet things in the Season Three finale, like finally contacting Penny's Boat (or not), but we saw that coming. Jack whooped Linus, Chaaalie sacrificed himself, and Tom got popped, but those were all well overdue. Great finale right? Just when America thought that they'd wrap up the evening with some parting Jack redemption on his ex-wife or dad or booze or whatever...BAM!!!!! Kate walks out of the shadows. HUH???? "We have to go BAAAAAAAAACK". The black L O S T screen hits. America collectively shits itself. Recap: Not only is there a future Jack, but he's a waste of life, and wants to GO BAAAAACK to the very island he was just begging to be rescued from. The entire 4th Season is almost exlusively payoff from this one moment. A jaw-dropper.
9. MOVE THE ISLAND?
"There's No Place Like Home: Part 2", Season Four
The real moment here was probably when "Christian" told Locke to "move the island", but those orders seemed so absurd that it was probably a waste of your time to try and figure out what it all meant. Until, of course, the island did exactly that. Lapidus' perplexed squint said it all. I'm not sure that moment could have been executed in a cooler way, with Ben falling down a hatch to a frozen room and pushing a donkey wheel that effectively moved the entire island (islands?). It was even sad to watch him do it. But what followed completely changed the dimensions of the storyline. Dave's favorite subject -- Time travel -- got introduced, and with it: Faraday's variables, Desmond's flashes, Eloise's pendelum room, and Jim LaFleur - Head of Security. As bizarre as it all seems, so far it's been executed to near-perfection. Until the jughead popped.
The opening scene between Jacob and the MIB was startling, confusing, and amazing all in one. But the dots didn't connect until much later, when Ilana revealed what was inside the Ajira crate. From there, "Dead is Dead" finally clicked, and we became all too aware of who fake Locke really was, and what he was about to do. It's still tough to gauge the impact from this moment, or what it will lead to, but the key here was more greatness from LOST's story-telling. MIB and all his cryptic comments were under our nose the entire time, yet the writers did a phenomenal job of masking its significance. It's safe to say that once deities can assume the lifeless bodies of plane crash victims, that's a severe game-changer. And hey, who's to say all the survivors aren't "assumed" in one way or another??????
Juliet pounding that "son of a bitch" to its detonation (?) was another top moment in network television. It probably changes everything from the "rules of the island", to who lives there, to who even crashed there. I'm sure timelines were altered or probably even created. Then again, perhaps it changed NOTHING, and its detonation was merely just "the incident" that Pierre Change spoke of in his DHARMA films. Until we know for sure, it makes the Jughead explosion -- and the white screen that followed -- one of the cooler moments in show history, and maybe its most profound. To be continued..........................
BONUS
Is this Season One scene awesome in a new way....or just a reach???
I narrowed down the long long list of people who have died on LOST by using 3 criteria: HOW THEY DIED - Going out in style is a big plus since most people (Ethan, Danny the Other, Bea Klugh, Yemi, Shannon, Tom Friendly, etc.) were killed by gunfire (yawn...). I prefer something a little more inspired, like Frogurt taking a flaming arrow to the chest and Mikhail blowing himself up with a big grin on his face.
SIGNIFICANCE OF THE MOMENT - What were the circumstances surrounding their death? Were they abruptly cut down like Danielle Rousseau and Karl, or did they have a death with actual ramifications like Michael?
EMOTIONAL WALLOP - Ok, maybe your death was memorable, like when Eko's ribs were smashed in by Smokey, but did it pack an emotional punch? And I'm not asking if it resonated with the cast, like when Joanna drowned. It has to matter to the viewers.
First, I'll honorably mention some great deaths: Anthony Cooper, Essam, Nadia, Pilot Seth Norris and Dr. Arzt.
10. NIKKI and PAULO Cause of Death: Buried Alive I've been debating with myself on whether or not I should include them on this list. On one hand, they were a useless, annoying, failed experiment. But on the other hand, their death showed that the writers cared about the fans input, and most importantly, their episode was a nice little self-contained story that felt like a Halloween episode of LOST.
9. THE DHARMA INITIATIVE Cause of Death: Exterminated by Ben Linus and the Tempest station Not only does Ben Linus have remarkable talent when it comes to manipulating those around him, but he does an awesome job of manipulating viewers. He coolly calculated the mass execution of everyone he grew up with (on his birthday, no less), and on top that, murdered his dick of a father with a bug bomb. And yet, in spite of that, I still see him as a likable and sympathetic character, EVEN AFTER...
8. ALEX ROUSSEAU Cause of Death: Bullet to the head, courtesy of Sgt. Keamy ...HE LETS HIS DAUGHTER DIE!!! Her death was sweet because it had everything. Badass Martin Keamy and his strike team assaulted the Barracks, blew up some background extras (like Claire), and then negotiated the surrender of Ben using his daughter as the bait. Ben, believing that Charles wouldn't change the rules, bluffed Keamy, who promptly blew her brains out. It may have been the first time Ben wasn't in control of a situation, but he quickly responded by unleashing the Smokey Freight Train on the marines.
7. BOONE CARLISLE Cause of Death: Crushed in a plane crash It took some guts for the writers to kill off a main character in the first season of the show, and sadly, it had to be Boone. His problem was that he was a character dependent on other characters to be in the story (first Shannon, then Locke). He never really had a chance to blaze his own trail, and that's why it made sense to get rid of him. He went out in a moment of glory, communicating on the radio to Bernard that other survivors were still out there before the plane fell from the canopy (a sacrifice the Island demanded). While his accident was a shock, he spent the rest of the next episode hanging in there thanks to the Doc ("I WILL FIX YOU, BOONE!!"). You have to admit, the sheer irony of surviving a plane crash only to die in a smaller plane crash a month later is brilliant.
6. DANIEL FARADAY Cause of Death: Shot by his mother (while she was pregnant with him) If you subscribe to the "Whatever Happened, Happened Theory" that Faraday first preached, then you'll agree that his death was predetermined and he was supposed to go back in time to die. However, if you believe in the "Human Variable Theory" that Faraday later preached to Jack, then you'll agree that Faraday was traveling back in time to prevent himself from inevitably being shot by his mother... he just failed. Either way, I get a headache thinking about this tragic turn of events.
5. JACOB Cause of Death: Stabbed by Ben Linus The buildup of this moment is superb. The Others believe Jacob to be the god of the Island, ruling it and influencing everything around it. It's cool to think that he was made mortal by whatever loophole the Man In Black was referring to, and it's even cooler that he was expecting it. He sat in his chair, awaiting Ben and the Man in Black. He didn't fight back, he didn't struggle, and he practically dared Ben to kill him ("What about you?). Jacob's death gets lots of points because of the mystique associated with him, and that's why he cracked the Top 5.
4. ANA LUCIA and LIBBY Cause of Death: Two For the Road, served by Michael Dawson Everybody expected the death of Ana Lucia. In the show, she was a hated character. Outside the show, she had a DUI and it was rumored that she would be leaving. I put this moment at number 4 because of the payoff of the moment. When she stupidly handed the gun over to Michael and he shot her, center mass, all of us watching cheered like the Steelers were scoring a touchdown. But before you could blink, Libby walks in with blankets for her date with Hurley, and Michael shoots her, too. We all were shocked and speechless, as if Bettis was fumbling the ball in a crucial playoff game. To cap the scene by freeing the villain and shooting himself, it was one of the most up and down moments in all 5 seasons.
3. CHARLIE PACE Cause of death: Drowning This death has more emotional wallop than any other. Charlie was a consistent fan favorite, and was having a pretty strong third season. But because of Desmond's flashes, we were all expecting him to die at some point. When he finally welcomed death on his own terms by shutting the door to protect Desmond, all the female fans of LOST (if there are any) were in tears. After saving the day by getting the radio to work, his last cool act was writing NOT PENNY'S BOAT on his hand to warn Desmond. He loses some points by incorrectly doing the sign of the cross, but not enough to bounce him from the Top 3.
2. JEREMY BENTHAM Cause of death: Strangled by Ben Linus (his 4th appearance on this list as murderer) Like Faraday, Locke's death was predestined. He know from his chat with Richard Alpert that he would have to die in order to bring everyone back to the Island. Yet he still went through the motions, futile as it was, to convince the others to come back with him; surprise surprise, they all said no. Relying solely on his belief that his death will serve the Island's will (that's some belief), he tries to hang himself. All of that fear and sadness is cut short when Big Ben shows up. He convincingly talks him down from the ledge only to do the honors himself. He's tried shooting Locke and strangling Locke, but neither has worked. The great Doc Jensen believes they will battle each forever as the new Jacob and Esau.
1. JULIET BURKE Cause of death: Detonating a hydrogen bomb Finale deaths are always the most heart-wrenching. We know the writers are going to up the stakes and kill off a main character, but just like with Michael and Charlie, we knew it was Juliet's turn to go since she signed on to star in a new series. Once she was caught in those chains and dragged towards the chasm, it was the beginning of the end for her. With her awesome theme song blazing in the background, Sawyer tried like mad to hold on, but fails. Kate tries to help, but as usual, does nothing (it should have been her falling down that hole). We all thought she died then and there, but somehow she survived the fall! Broken physically and emotionally (thanks to LaFleur choosing whore Kate over her), she summons her last ounces of strength and hotness to beat the hell out of Jughead until it explodes... what a way to go...
Though I could probably expand this list to the Top 150, there's plenty of people that you don't want to see in the power rankings. To keep it at 90, I had to kick out a few people (like Kate's parents) and bring on the season 5 heavyweights like Radzinski and Ellie. As you can see, the number in parentheses is where they used to be, and the cells are color-coded with the season in which we first meet them. Below you will find further justification for the Top 10.
Notable jumps - LaFleur climbs 49, Pierre Chang goes up 45 Big drops - Kate (-20), Penny (-17)
10. Frank Lapidus - He fell back a few pegs, but through no fault of his own. He's still a helluva pilot (even without the sweet beard) and I still have to say he's the most trustworthy guy on the entire Island. The rebooted timeline will probably have him flying (and landing) 815. If Andy's lucky, maybe we'll catch another glimpse of his chest hair this season.
9. Mikhail Bakunin - He's been dead since the Season 3 finale, and that's why he's dropped down this list. I've heard whisperings that he may return this year, but even I don't care so much about that. The way his story ended was perfect and they should just let him be.
8. Christian Shephard - Out of anyone in the Top 10, this guy has the most potential to jump forward. What is his role in the reboot? Is he even dead? WHEN WILL JACK MEET HIM ON THE ISLAND!?!? HAS HE BEEN THE MAN IN BLACK?!?!? All these are awesome questions, and his pep-talk for Jack while operating on angelhair pasta showcase his father-of-the-year qualities.
7. Juliet Burke - Hottest chick in the whole cast. She was so close to leaving the Island 3 times (on the sub in Season 3, on the freighter in Season 4, on the sub again in Season 5), it breaks your heart that she met her end at the bottom of a drill hole. How many people in this world can beat the shit out of Kate, talk down stubborn Jack, and soften up asshole Sawyer? Only one...
6. Daniel Faraday - He was the only one with answers this past season, and he kept the stupid audience up to speed on the rules of time travel. His backstory episode in Season 5 is one of the most underrated in the show's history. I loved seeing the relationship he had with his mother. Was she pushing him so hard so he could fulfill his destiny and get murdered on the Island, or was she pushing him so hard so that he could find the solution to prevent it? I loved how sad and broken he was after testing the machine on himself (and Widmore's appearance was solid). Only one other person on this list put in less work to get this high.
5. Desmond Hume - In the history of LOST, how many people have had a happy ending? Sun and Jin are still separated (and for the reboot to pre-815, they might be back to hating each other). Lafleur couldn't save Juliet during the Incident, Jack and Kate's engagement ended in misery, Charles was banished from the Island for having an affair while with Eleanor, Nadia was hit by a car and died in Sayid's arms, Charlie died after finally setting things right with Claire, etc. etc. etc. But Desmond made it off the Island, married his long lost love, had a kid, and is probably living happily ever after.
4. Jacob - Biggest buildup of any character? Check. Biggest delivery of any character? CHECK! Coolest theme music? CHECK! How could a guy with one episode of screen time crack the TOP 5? He has been instrumental in getting everyone to the Island, and even when he is stabbed to death, he still gets the last laugh on Locke/Man in Black... "they're coming..."
3. Jack Shephard - People have often criticized Jack of being stubborn, headstrong, and impulsive, but no one else gets results like the Doc. Locke (before he died) was a clueless puppy. LaFleur maintained the status quo, but couldn't manage things when the Doc roared into town. Jack was able to get the team back to Island after Locke failed. Jack got his people to the freighter whereas Locke and Sawyer allowed the Barracks to be overrun. How cool would it have been that, when Ben and Locke enter the temple at the end of Season 5, that Jack is sitting in that chair as Jacob? It would be awesome, and that still might happen in Season 6...
2. Ben Linus - Ben briefly held the number one stop because he owned Season 3 and 4, and most of season 5. But Ben couldn't match wits with reborn Locke (and can we really blame him? You try outsmarting a god), and so he's back at number 2. His murder of Jacob represented exactly what the Man in Black was referring to when he spoke with him... humans manipulate, corrupt, and destroy. It will be interesting to see how Ben is handled in the rebooted timeline. Will he continue to be meek and submissive, or will he go back to cracking skulls, Linus-style?
1. John Locke - Locke had a little bit of help getting back into the top spot, but he still dominated Season 5. He got off the Island, had one of the best flashbacks of the series (Life and Death of Jeremy Bentham), was reborn, outplayed Ben and Richard, and pretty much became the most powerful man on the Island. His only weakness was his Dad and Helen, and gladly both are dead. Season 6 better be all showdown between Locke and Jack, and here's hoping Locke prevails.
"It's not about what you are capable of ... it's about what you are willing to do." - Mike Tomlin, Pittsburgh Steelers head coach
It's revenge time. Because I stood by the Stillers and backed them in an office wager the last time Cincy played Pittsburgh (we lost), I've been stuck wearing the same ugly Bengals tie to work this week. Needless to say, I'm festering with anger. So imagine how the team feels!! This is the statement game of the year. For the past 10-15 years, every once and a while, a team will creep up and challenge the Steelers for the divisional crown. Last year, it was Baltimore. In 2005, the Bengals actually won it, but then choked in the playoffs while hosting the Burgh. Before that, the Browns briefly challenged, but Tommy Guns dispatched them in the Divisional round with a rousing comeback. Anyway, this year, the Bengals have surfaced again. We're used to fending off pretenders, so there's no need to fear, Steeler fans. I'm going to provide with the Top 10 reasons why we will win this Sunday, and inevitably go on to capture the division.
10. VENGEANCE!!!
I'll give the Bengals credit: it's hard to sweep division rivals, yet they manhandled Baltimore, a much more impressive win than their win earlier this season. We beat the Ravens 3 times last year, but every one of those games was tough. There's no way the Steelers find themselves in a similar position this year. They won't let the Bungals take both games this year. Sometimes it's as simple as that.
9. Mike Wallace is dangerous
This guy came out of nowhere. On a team with TWO SUPER BOWL MVPS starting at wideout, Braveheart is stealing the show. At first, I was impressed with his straight-line speed, but lately he has proven himself a reliable 3rd-down target. Combine him with Ward's brains, Santonio's hands, and Heath Miller's size, and we are a DANGEROUS receiving team. I haven't seen us this strong since the days of Ernie Mills, Yancey Thigpen, and Charles Johnson.
8. Vegas loves us (7 point favorites)
Think about it. It's a tough-as-nails divisional game against a team that beat us earlier in the year. In spite of that, Vegas has us as favorites by a TOUCHDOWN! They don't expect this to be close, and you shouldn't either. The Steelers bring such a quiet swagger to the table. We know how to prepare for these kind of games in a way that Cincy will never know.
7. Steeler depth
We've seen injuries to Polamalu, Aaron Smith, Travis Kirschke, Larry Timmons, Ryan Clark (not an injury, just a precaution), and Willie Parker. And yet, the only noticeable absence was Polamalu. Everyone else has been ably replaced by an endless stream of capable backups. In fact, 3 of them (Mendenhall, Tyrone Carter, Keyaron Fox) have stepped up and played huuuuuge games.
6. Heinz field advantage
It's later in the year. Pitt is playing the night before against Notre Dame. This field is going to be mangled, and no one knows how to handle a shitty field like the Steelers. I wouldn't be surprised if Ochostinko stumbles on a few routes and Benson falls at the line of scrimmage. Couple that with the Pittsburgh fans and the Steeler's intimidating home jerseys.
5. Mendenhall keeps us two-dimensional
If Qui-Gon were around, he'd be on his deathbed stressing "He will.... bring balance..." I don't know how the O-line turned it around from a year ago, but them and Mendenhall have been locked in these past few weeks. He's also a much better receiver than soon-to-be-unemployed Fast Willie. If we get the play-action going early, this might end up a rout.
4. The Bengals will not be able to run the ball
Who are the most dangerous runners in the league? Number one is Adrian Peterson followed closely by Chris Johnson. Also in the discussion is Cedric Benson, yet the Steelers held all of them under 100 yards rushing. No team has been able to effectively run the ball, and Denver was ABYSMAL on Monday night. Their longest run was maybe 7 yards, and they probably averaged less than 2 yards a carry. The Bengals' only hope is Carson Palmer.
3. Ben Roethlisberger is having his greatest season ever
Perhaps he should be accused of rape more often, because Huge Ben is on a mission this year. He's tied with Peyton Manning for the top completion percentage in the league (over 7o%), he's on pace for more than 4000 yards, and he's picking apart opposing secondaries in the no-huddle. And what about his fancy highlights and 5 o' clock shadow? The chicks don't need to be forced into loving that.
"The only thing I'm guilty of is terribly folding pocket kerchiefs..."
2. The Defense has re-established their dominance
Run defense. Pass defense. QB pressure. It really doesn't matter. The defense is so well-rounded that they look even better than last year's historically great squad. We're tackling better than I've ever seen. The crazy formations (1 down lineman, 5 prowling LBS, and 5 DBs) are scary and effective. I've already mentioned the depth we've seen on defense. I love seeing them assemble the convoy on turnovers. The list goes on and on. The only gameplan that teams like to try against us is the dink-and-dunk West Coast offense. The Seahkawks in SBXL, the Patriots all the time, the Cardinals in SBXLIII, the Broncos this year, the Vikings this year, etc. etc. That kind of attack only works if you're QB is patient and accurate (really only Brady can pull it off against us). The Bengals don't use that kind of passing attack. Palmer loves to throw timing routes further down the field (flag outs, flag ins, skinny posts, deep hooks, etc.) If we get pressure on him early and get him moving his feet, those kinds of patterns will constantly be disrupted.
1. Troy Polamalu is playing this time
The only person that would hurt us more by being out is Ben Roethlisberger. The defense was noticeably slower and susceptible to giving up 3rd down conversions. With the best safety in football back in the lineup, the defense is unbeatable. Last week he took over the game. He ran down Brandon Marshall to make what could've been a huge gain just a modest one. He sprinted into the backfield to take out Moreno. He followed that up with a clutch interception. The Bengals bested the Steelers by marching down the field on a long, clock-bleeding drive that was sustained by several 3rd and 4th down conversions. With Troy in the game, there's no way he doesn't make a play on one of those, especially the 4th-and-10 that broke our back.
The art of choosing the right jersey is definitely a tricky one. Much like buying a car, you have to consider many factors.
How many years am I going to get out this? You have to think about the player's relationship with the team and if he's going to be around town for a while. You have to consider age and whether or not they might be the kind of guy to jump ship for a bigger contract. Because let's face it, there's nothing more embarrassing than buying a jersey and then the guy immediately skips town...
How can I stand out from the crowd? Yeah, you can pick one of the guys from the list below and be like everyone else. Or maybe you could blaze your own trail and pick someone few others have. I bought a Steelers Larry Foote jersey, and the guy didn't miss a game over the next 4 years of me owning the jersey. Even though he was a mediocre player, it made every sack, tackle, or interception that much more awesome because Larry Foote was doing it. It was one of the best decisions I ever made, so I suggest you pick a player that's right for you.
There are other serious questions to consider before committing to a player, but my last point was a good segway. The following list is the Top 10 most marketable atheletes. For some reason, everyone is buying their jerseys, and I'm going to try and tell you why. It's important to remember that these are the top ten best selling THIS year, and are projected to remain the Top Ten through the end of this season.
10. LaDanian Tomlinson
It's laughable that LDT is still in the top ten. Fairweather fans love to make the easy pick and select a popular offensive player, and that's all he really is. He's old, injury-prone, and just flat out terrible. It's no secret that Rivers is that star of that team now, so it's amazing that Tomlinson is still the most popular. When Fat Bettis started declining, do you think intelligent Pittsburgh fans kept buying his jersey?!?!? NO!!! The truth is San Diego has a big population, but they care more about the beach then they do about football. They don't care enough to invest in a real jersey. THUMBS DOWN. WHO I'D BUY INSTEAD: Antonio Gates
9. Adrian Peterson
The reigning running champ and #1 fantasy stud, AP should really be 5 spots higher on the list. You might think that people don't want an ugly purple jersey, but the truth is Minnesota is plagued by stupid fans. You see, AP would be much higher on this list, but stupid yokels chose to buy a different Minnesota jersey instead... WHO I'D BUY INSTEAD: Jared Allen
8. Troy Polamalu
The only defensive player to make this list, Polamalu is an easy person to like. He's constantly praised as one of the top safeties in the league, he's still young, he's got long term plans in Pittsburgh, and he's on the cover of Madden. If you bought a Troy jersey before the Steelers started winning Super Bowls, you're probably a little peeved that everyone else has one now, but I'll give credit to anyone who bucks the trend and avoids a QB.
7. Peyton Manning
If your a Colts fan, you think he's top QB of all time. If you're anyone else, you think he's an overmarketed, boring hayseed that should be remembered as a guy that should have won more than one Super Bowl. I'll concede that Manning is a consistent all-star, and definitely one of the all-time greats, but if doesn't win another Super Bowl, I'd say his career is ultimately disappointing. WHO I'D BUY INSTEAD: Reggie Wayne
6. Reggie Bush
WHAT!?!?! Ok, I can understand morons buying a Reggie Bust jersey after he won the Heisman and was paraded into New Orleans, but he has down absolutely NOTHING on the field since then. He's probably less famous than his fatass fame whore ex-girlfriend, and that's saying something. So why are people still buying his jersey? I suppose it's because the Saints are 7-0, and much like the other Saints team of recent memory, I'd say they're overrated and overrhyped. Since stupid fans enjoy the overhyped, they choose Bush. WHO I'D BUY INSTEAD: Darren Sharper
5. Brett Favre
Whatever. I'm sick of Favre. The Steelers proved that if you solely rely on his 80 year old arm, you'll lose. All you millions of people that buy this jersey are retarded. He'll probably be gone next year, and then your jersey will just be stupid and you'll never wear it. WHO I'D BUY INSTEAD: Adrian Peterson
4. Mark Sanchez
There's no way I can conceivably defend this pick. The only person on this list that's worse is Reggie Bush. If, 4 years from now, Mark Sanchez isn't any better and people still buy his jersey, then he would be as bad as Bush. Jets fans are fickle and want to believe this guy can lead the franchise. It's okay being desperate, but there are better options out there. WHO I'D BUY INSTEAD: Bart Scott
3. Ben Roethlisberger
Huge Ben Ruthlessberger is a two-time champ, and no matter how much people want to knock him, he's an elite QB in the NFL. Ok, so maybe he's a jerk, and maybe he raped a girl, and he's dumb for riding motorcycles without helmets, but so what? He's a one-of-a-kind franchise QB leading the greatest team in football history. Since I made the mistake of buying Willie Parker's jersey after Super Bowl XL and he's probably leaving town after this year, I might cave and buy Big Ben just like everyone else.
2. Eli Manning
I get it; the biggest market in the country, the fact that he recently KO'ed asshole Brady (who you won't find on this list) for a big Super Bowl victory, and he's a high-profile QB. My knock against Eli is that he's quiet and inconsistent. But really, who else is there in NY? I wouldn't trust taking a receiver after the Plax incident. Brandon Jacobs is having a bad year, and the big bad defense is no more. If you're a Giants fan, it's smart to go with the safe pick here.
1. Tony Romo
I hate Romo-san. The critics hate him too. He's only popular because he's the Dallas Cowboys QB and he's alright in the regular season. Remember last year when the big debate was "Okay, Brady and Manning are 1-2. Who would you put 3, Roethlisberger or Romo?" Hah! What a joke. Big Ben went on to capture his 2nd ring, and Tony Romeo went on vacation before the season was over. If you must cheer for America's team, I highly suggest DeMarcus Ware, instead.
BONUS: At the beginning of the season, Favre's Vikings jersey was number one, and MICHAEL VICK's Eagles jersey was number 2. For some reason, he's quickly fallen off the list. Oh wait, not just some reason... it's because he's only played like 10 snaps.
Okay, let's do this list properly. Since I haven't put together a long Top Ten list in a while, and because I couldn't stop thinking of other TV Star Wars references, I have to expand upon my previous post. Let's not forget that Star Wars already has it's own cartoon, but it sucks so much bantha poodoo that I will not be showcasing it here.
Even though George Lucas is intent on putting a live-action Star Wars show on the air, he's a little late to the party. For this edition of Rerun Season, we're going to take a brief look at some of the shows that have used Star Wars for humor.
BONUS CLIP: I debated whether or not to slide this in at number 10, but you have to admire Scrubs' effort to go all out with costumes, so this gets bumped into the honorable mentions category.
10. SCRUBS
It's a pretty watered down Star Wars reference that anyone would get, but I like it because they go all out with costumes AND even though Turk is black, he passes on Lando and plays Han Solo instead.
9. ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT
Even though this is a parody of the Star Wars kid, I'll let it slide because I, too, once pretended to duel with lightsabers (we used a mop as Darth Maul's doubled bladed saber and ski poles as regular light sabers).
8. SOUTH PARK
At last, something good has resulted from that dreadful Vader scene...
7. BIG BANG THEORY
It's amazing that, out of all the random Star Wars characters, Admiral Ackbar is among the most popular side characters. Frankly, I can't quite figure out what sort of battle commander would jump out of hyperspace RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE ENEMY!!! Maybe if they had stopped out of range of the Death Star, they could send in recon and figure out it's a trap. Great strategy, Ackbar.
6. FAMILY GUY
How the hell did Family Guy get an Emmy Nom for Best Comedy before much better cartoons like The Simpsons, South Park, and Futurama? It hasn't been funny in a long long time, but the voters will shower it with praise like the equally overrated 30 Rock. ugh... Anyway, they did a complete show built around Star Wars, and I love this clip just because Peter is singing the battle music. Also, for anyone who cares, they are called TIE Fighters because they are powered by Twin Ion Engines (and no, I didn't have to look that up.)
5. THE SIMPSONS
An impressively choreographed fight sequence from an episode I've never seen, this clip earns high marks for the name of the factory.
4. THE OFFICE
It's Halloween at Dunder Mifflin, and Dwight must feel like many other nerds out there who deal with people that just don't understand Star Wars. Also, Jim's costume is retarded.
3. L O S T
I'll leave it to Doc Jensen to figure out the meaning and symbolism behind the mythological connections in Star Wars and LOST. For this post, we only care about the jokes. In 'Some Like it Hoth,' Hurley attempts to improve upon Episode II by giving Chewbacca a more important role. I still don't know if this scene is one of the best or worst things in the history of LOST.
2. FRIENDS
Do you ever wonder what happened to Carrie Fisher? Once upon a time, she was a stone cold fox in a slave bikini. Now she has a lesbian haircut and a voice that sounds like a mix between cigarette smoke and the flu. Nonetheless, an episode of Friends wisely pointed out that, for some guys, it's not about slutty nurses or schoolgirls.
1. ROBOT CHICKEN
No one will ever top the Robot Chicken Star Wars special. Ever. Family Guy thinks jokes about TIE Fighters are funny, while Robot Chicken considers more clever things like Palpatine's reaction to the destruction of the first Death Star. It's utterly brilliant. For more stuff, watch this clip, especially because it includes a hilarious Boba Fett skit. Or, if you want to kill even more time at work, watch the full first episode here. "YOUR TASTEBUDS CAN'T REPEL FLAVOR OF THAT MAGNITUDE!"
*Editor's Note:* Another Pittsburgh season is in the books, so it's only fitting that Andy writes up a Top Ten players of the season list. Just like with previous Steelers and Penguins seasons, he has ranked the Top Ten most important players, but this time we are focusing on the Playoffs. When I drew up my own list to compare, numbers 1-8 were exactly alike, but I probably would've given the edge to Letang (despite his inability to handle the puck in "Mario's spot" on the PP) and Bill Guerin and 10 and 9. Still, this list is awesome and I'll never get tired of reading about the Pens.
10. Mark Eaton - A lot of people like Kris Letang, but I prefer his defensive partner Mark Eaton. Throughout the playoffs, Eaton was always in the right place at the right time. He had to cover a lot of ice when Letang jumped into the offensive zone. Beyond the solid defensive play, Eaton came up huge offensively in the first round against Philadelphia. He had a monster goal when he batted the puck out of the air during the Pens game six comeback. Without Eaton's goal, there may have been a game 7 in round one, and we know that anything can happen in those.
9. Ruslan Fedotenko - If Eaton was the unsung hero against Philadelphia, then Fedotenko was probably the one against Washington. Big goal after big goal allowed the Pens to come out of a very tough series versus the Capitals. A lot of people probably think Bill Guerin should be on this list, but in my opinion, Guerin became a little more popular than he was productive. There were a lot of questions about the Fedotenko acquisition during the regular season, but those concerns were put to rest in the playoffs. Unlike Marian Hossa, it seems like Ruslan turns his game up for the spring.
8. Sergei Gonchar - I made a similar list like this one last year and had Gonch number two. It wasn't so much him taking a step back as it was others stepping up. Boucher and Goligoski filled in adequately when Sergei was down during the Washington series, but he was still missed immensely. Recent news disclosed that Gonchar had been playing with a torn MCL, that shows how much of a warrior the blue-liner is. Like Fedotenko, big goal after big goal, game winners in Game 6 against Philly and Game 3 against Detroit come to mind.
7. Brooks Orpik - The highlight of the '08 finals may have been Orpik's 4 hits in 15 seconds sequence. This year, Brooks played with that tough intensity and grit throughout the postseason. I can't really think of anything else to say about Orpik other than he was great. A top-notch defender and filled in the role of psuedo-enforcer with Godard being a healthy scratch every game. It's also pretty ironic that if the Pens would have re-signed Hossa, they probably would not have been able to afford Orpik last year. Who would you rather have now?
6. Jordan Staal - For the last few years, you either loved or hated Jordan Staal. Not anymore. He really does it all. Penalty killing, fore checking, cycling, and a knack for scoring big goals, not to mention being paired up with the opposing teams' offensive stars. I don't have to mention the short-handed goal in game 4, the ultimate turning point of the Stanley Cup Finals. Staal is a very enticing piece of trade bait if the Pens want to catch a high-scoring winger. Would you want to trade a young Ron Francis?
5. Rob Scuderi - Scuds has always been pretty strong and solid but seemed to really take it to another level in the playoffs. Against Washington and Detroit, the Pens two toughest series, Scuderi was the best defensemen on the Penguins. He curtailed Ovechkin from game 3 to game 7 and basically "saved" Pittsburgh in game 6 against the Red Wings. Some claim that a team will overpay Scuderi this offseason like the Lightning did with Ryan Malone last year. If he plays like he did this postseason, it might be well worth it.
4. Max Talbot - I think Mark Madden was correct when he said that if there was a Conn Smythe for grit Max Talbot would get it. The two huge game seven goals go without saying. How about the opening goal in game four, or the fight he had in game six in Philadelphia that spearheaded the big comeback. After Sykora started getting scratched, Talbot really boosted Malkin's line. All the chicks that try to be sports geniuses really like Max, which is a slight detriment, but without him, the Penguins would probably not be Stanley Cup champions.
3. Sidney Crosby - The face of the franchise. It's pretty well known that I am not the biggest Sid fan, I mean I like him and think he's a great hockey player, but I certainly don't kiss his feet like many Pittsburghers. Yes he did have to go against Zetterberg and Lidstrom, but the top line was not as productive throughout the playoffs as it could have been. All Sid's fault? Certainly not, just saying. He would have easily won the Conn Smythe if Evgeni did not play on the same team. I don't want to make it seem like all bashing, but the Penguins are much more than just Sidney Crosby, a lot of people don't realize that.
Glove save and a beauty.
2. Marc-Andre Fleury - How do you judge importance? Saving games? Winning games? That's certainly Fleury. He's certainly not lights out every contest, but for the last two years he has a knack for showing up at the right time and bouncing back after rough outings. His game-saving stop of Lidstrom was probably not his "best" save of the playoffs, but it essentially sealed the Stanley Cup. The Red Wings would have won if that game had gone into overtime. When individuals think of the Penguins, Crosby and Malkin are certainly brought up first,but Fleury is equally as important and was an absolute force during the great playoff run.
1. Evgeni Malkin - It makes sense for the Conn Smythe winner to be at the top of this list. I have said it many times that I believe Malkin is the best player in the NHL and his postseason performance backs me up. He had the most playoff points since Gretzky in 1993. Yes, he did not have to face Zetterberg or Lidstrom, but he also plays with second-line wingers. He has slowly turned into a back-checker like Hossa and is starting to get the physically of an Ovechkin. Signature playoff moment? How about his wrap around, back hand, backward, top shelf goal against Carolina? Would the Penguins have won the Cup without Crosby? Probably not, but they played without him in the final period in game seven. Without Malkin, the Pens would probably have not gotten by Philadelphia, if they would have made the playoffs at all.
