SMALL TALK WITH DAVE: LOST Rankings

*Posted January 11, 2009*

Just because I fired him doesn't mean he can't still contribute. He sent me this email, which I will copy and paste for everyone to see.

With nine days to go before the premiere, it's time to send out the rankings.

* = dead
** = dead?
*** = gay

THE ORIGINALS Division
1. Jack - I wouldn't want to raise loser Aaron either. And after Sawyer, I hope you made Kate get tested.
2. Sayid - New, improved Hitman Sayid almost makes me forget about Shannon-Mourning Sayid (balls not included).
3. Hurley - enough with being called Hugo all the time, go back to Hurley. It's way cooler.
4. Jin** - why, oh why couldn't Sun have been on the freighter instead? LOST cast resolution: No DUI's in '09! Can we agree to that?
5. Locke** - had a strong finish to season 4, but stop asking questions all the time and stop cooking meals/washing dishes/serving iced tea!
6. Ethan Rom* - probably sitting by his phone waiting to here: "Hey, it's Damon! We've got a cool flashback planned and you're gonna be in it for 3 seconds!!"
7. Michael* - Here Lies Michael. Son of Fundin. Slayer of Ana-Lucia. He sucked at times, but that IS one of the better accomplishments of any character.
8. Seth “2^nd Greatest Pilot” Norris* - knowing what we know now about Smokey, why would it go after the pilot in the first place?
9. Boone Carlisle* - no one names their kid Boone.
10. Kate - My god how did anyone get by on the island without Kate's tremendous tracking "abilities"? YOU SUCK (unless your with Jack).

THE NEW ORIGINALS Division
1. Desmond - will he still have flashes off the island? will they be of Penny burning dinner? Boring plotlines will send him down a peg this season.
2. Henry “Ben” Gale - huge golden globe snub!
3. Dr. J Burke - WARNING: dating Sawyer is character suicide!!!!!!!!!! You won't be able to recover!
4. Mikhail* - sucked in Indy 4, along with most everything else.
5. Bernard - Attention all engaged people. "When you're married, it takes twice as long to make a decision..because you gotta talk them into doing it." ZING!
6. Meesta Eko* - Yemi was always cooler.
7. Tom Friendly*** - Let's hope we don't see him endulging himself in any flashbacks.
8. Matty Abaddon - Had 3 scenes in season 4. Nailed them all.
9. Penny - if your's and Desmond's love makes Dan reference Pam and Jim, I'm gonna shoot someone.
10. Richard Alpert - "...tomorrow you take the big job. You don't have any say in the matter, COMMISSIONER GORDON!" *clap* *clap* *clap*

FREIGHTER Division
1. Lapidus - Had 32 scenes in season 4. Nailed them all. Then nailed some young chick after.
2. Faraday - Totally redeemed yourself for the idiot that was Oppum. Tom Hanks DIED because of him! But you're okay now.
3. Keamy* - Shooting Alex was more than enough to get him into the top 3.
4. Capt. Gault* - too cool to die so early.
5. Doc* - DITTO.
6. Minkowski* - again? YES. ditto.
7. Miles - hated him first time around. much cooler/funnier second time around. mostly because he pissed off sawyer.
8. Charlotte Staples Lewis - hot first time around. annooooooyyying second time around. still hot.
9. Kevin Johnson* - keamy said it best: "don't you have to go mop something?"
10. Naomi* - sucks.

MOM & POP Division
1. Christian Shephard**
2. Chuck Widmore
3. Cheech Reyes
4. Anthony Cooper*
5. Roger Workman*
6.Mr. Paik - Michael Corleone proved that it's alright to whack a family member. I'm just sayin.....
7. Jin Zoo Shi’s Dad
8.Rousseau*
9.Senora Reyes
10. Kate’s Stepdad* - Kate sucks.

WORST CHARACTERS EVER Division
1. Ana Lucia* - Three words....Dark Hair..Gorgeous.
2. Sun*** Every line from Sun in season 4 was quickly followed by "Aaahhhhh I HAAATE Sun!!!" from me.
3. Claire** - Christian Shephard, you are 1 for 2 in cool offspring.
4. Sawyer*** - Keep your STDs away from Juliet.
5. Shannon* - Too bad Neeson wasn't on the Island to save you like he did in "Taken"
6. The Season 3 Sheriff - where the hell did you go?
7. Nikki*/Paolo* - Why did you have to go and kill Season 3?! What did it ever do to you???
8. Miss Klugh* - you still look like Abaddon.
9. Alex*/Karl* - Hilarious deaths.
10. The Island Therapist - Goodwin doesn't like ugly broads. Get over it.