NEWS: China Sucks

*Posted August 21, 2008*

That's hardly news to anyone (especially this poor kid on vacation), but the Olympics have clearly magnified not only the lengths that the Chinese government will go to in order to mask the flaws of the country, but also the IOC's greed-fueled refusal to do anything about it. It all started in the days before the beginning of the games when athletes and reporters were rightfully complaining about the thick layer of pollution clouding the city (China's response: Come on, it's just fog, duh). Since then, ESPN's Rick Reilly (normally a megadouche) wrote an interesting article detailing lots and lots of cover ups. They are as follows:

- There is a beautiful and gigantic building in downtown Beijing that is supposed to echo the magnificence of China and the Games, except it's a phony. Turns out that the building is still under construction (and therefore an eyesore), so the Chinese put up huge sheets of vinyl covering the whole block, and then transposed a computer generated image of what the building will look like when it's finished. To sell their scheme, they even paid two bozos to hang out by one of the windows and chat about how great the city is. SUCK RATING: 4/10

- At the last minute they replaced the 7 year old girl who was going to sing "Ode to the Motherland" with a 9 year old girl because they 7 year old's teeth were crooked. Oh, but the 7 year old still sang off stage. The 9 year old lip synced (you can tell which is the uggo that got replaced). Nobody cares about Michael Phelps mangled mouth, why would they about her? SUCK RATING: 8/10

- The fireworks looked mighty impressive on opening night. They even had "footprint" fireworks that marched towards the Bird's Nest (where the Track and Field Events take place). Well, only 1 of the 29 footprint fireworks were real. The rest came from CG. NBC new about it, but only mentioned it in a joking aside and then moved on. Faking fireworks is especially disingenuous. SUCK RATING: 10/10

- During the Opening Ceremonies, the Chinese marched out a representative from each of China's hard to find 56 ethnic groups. Yeah, well, they kind mostly just used people from the dominant Han Chinese race. As an American, I'm okay with this. It clearly fooled me and others, but I doubt anyone really cares. It's more Clooney-smug than suck. SUCK RATING: 1/10

- They obviously faked the ages of at least 2 of the Chinese gymnasts that went on the win the team gold. But more than that, the IOC, even when it's clear to everyone else, refuses to investigate because they're getting a fat paycheck from China for hosting the Games. Is it hard to find out the truth? NOOOOO!! In fact, the truth has already been discovered by an ordinary hacker using ordinary web surfing methods. Go see the compelling truth right here. (Update: Hacker's post is now front page news at Foxnews.com) SUCK RATING: 10/10

- Filling the seats with volunteer fans to make the events look bigger than they really are (the extra people caused parking and traffic delays). Who cares? According to Seinfeld, the Emmys do the same thing. SUCK RATING: 2/10

- They built ten foot high "culture walls" to hide the ugly slums that lie behind them. This is understandable; sometimes I would rather look at cool decorated walls instead of the slums of Southwestern PA. SUCK RATING: 3/10

- They kept out, threw out, and arrested dissidents, migrants, and the homeless for creating a nasty image of China. Who wouldn't want less panhandlers asking for food, change, and haircuts? SUCK RATING: 2/10

- They censored the media and blocked access to sites with info on Taiwan, Darfur, and Tibet. They also red-flagged users who searched for troubling phrases ("democracy" and "demonstration," for example). SUCK RATING: 9/10

- My personal thoughts on China? Smog + Smug + Success = Suck Rating of 10/10

- Does China suck? My totally arbitrary Olympic rating says 59/100, which means Below Average Sucking.