Friday, April 24, 2009


*Originally Posted April 14, 2008*

Welcome back, internet. For those of you who managed to read my article last week (all 6 or7 of you) you know what I’m about. For everybody else, just read the archives because we both know there’s some good bits in there.If you don’t care enough to do so, then allow me to briefly sum up what I write about.Last week was the Three Things You Should Be Doing Right Now, and it was a web sensation.Who could go wrong with oil epics, classic rock, and Dr. Steve Brule?! This week, however, offers up a change of pace.I’ll go for the opposite, mainly because some major shit is happening and you need me to point out the pitfalls for you.Don’t worry, you won’t find boring politics here. It’s all infotainment, all the time.So here we go…

The ONE Thing You Shouldn’t Be Doing Right Now!

a) Thinking about buying the Juno dvd, which comes out April 15th.Why?Come on now, everybody knows there’s a camp of people out there who think Juno (more specifically, Ellen Page and Diablo Cody) are the hippest and edgiest thing on the market right now.Then there’s the other (cooler) camp who thinks it’s so brain-scrapingly annoying and unfunny.I watched the first 15 minutes and just could not go any further.Unfortunately, a lot of people who like the movie agree that the beginning sucks farts (and almost ruins Dwight Schrute’s comedic credibility) yet it gets much better by the end (if you discount the gay sing-sang at the end credits).I still can’t bring myself to watch the rest and am content with just bashing the film anyway. SERIOUSLY folks, we all have heard the dialogue that is just one 90 minute pat on the back in the biggest “Oooh-look-at-me-I-used-to-be-a-stripper-but-now-I-write-edgy, sassy-dialogue-about-blogs-and-Eggo waffles” way.Below is a sample when retard Juno tells her friend about her pregnancy (my boldcomments are in bold).Trust me, don’t buy this dvd.I know you’ll just spend the whole time wishing you could punch Ellen Page in the stomach.Also, if you want to rip apart Diablo Cody and her hack writing, take a visit to a website that shares my affinity for lampooning everything she comes up with.It’s three pages of a sample screenplay that is reportedly written by Diablo Cody (though it’s really just a hilarious satire).Check it out.

Leah: Yo Yo Yiggady Yo. (if I ever call someone who answers the phone like that I’m hanging the fuck up)

JunoMacGuff: I'm at suicide risk.(now we’re talking!! her suicide would've made it MUCH better)

Leah: Juno?

JunoMacGuff: No, it's Morgan Freeman (aka ten million times a better actor than ellen page). Do you have any bones that need collecting?
Leah: Only the one in my pants...(gay)
JunoMacGuff: I'm pregnant.
Leah: What? Honest to blog? (uggggh, maybe the worst WORST line written EVER!!)
JunoMacGuff: Yeah. Yeah, it's Bleekers. (stupid name)
Leah: It's probably just a food baby. Did you have a big lunch?
JunoMacGuff: No, this is not a food baby all right? I've taken like three pregnancy tests, and I'm forshizz up the spout. (forshizz. up. the. spout. you’re hilarious Juno.really. And by hilarious I mean butt ugly.)
Leah: How did you even generate enough pee for three pregnancy tests? That's amazing...

JunoMacGuff: I don't know, I drank like, ten tons of Sunny D... Anyway dude, I'm telling you I'm pregnant and you're acting shockingly cavalier. (is she acting shockingly cavalier?! Is that what she’s doing? Acting SHOCKINGLY CAVALIER?!? THIS MOVIE IS SOOOO GAAAAAAAYYY.)
Leah: Is this for real? Like, for real for real?

JunoMacGuff: Unfortunately, yes.
Leah: Oh my GOD. Oh shit! Phuket, Thailand! (stupid reference)
JunoMacGuff: There we go. That was kind of the emotion that I was searching for on the first take.(nice hamburger phone, R-tard)

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