Friday, April 24, 2009


The 5 Worst Singers I’ve Never Heard

5. Gerard Way
Just a rule of thumb: anybody in a marching band uniform fronting a regular, old band just destroyed that band.See Gwen Stefani, that crazy bitch Fergie that I wish I was fortunate enough to have on this list, and the loonies over at Gnarls Barkley.But the fact that all the annoying punks and their tagalong girls that I’ve ever encountered in my tenure as a record store clerk asked me for this album puts it up there on my list of potent fertilizers.So this guy, Gerard, fronts My Chemical Romance, a band I’m sure sounds very emo and bombastic and dated and mislead.

What I think he probably sounds like: Chris Carabbas of Dashboard Confessional, any of the whiny guys from the likes of Taking Back Sunday or Thursday or Finch or any of the other whiners my cousin used to listen to before we made fun of him enough and he started fronting a hardcore band.

What I have discovered he actually sounds like: Yeah, I was right.It’s the way he enunciates his long “a” sounds that doesn’t set him apart from any of my generalizations.On that note, I still don’t get the fanaticism from Squirrel Hill brats with twenty bucks to blow.

4. Joel Madden/Benji Madden

These two are such tools, I’m not even sure who the lead singer is.I imagine these two have bunk beds and fight over who’s cooler.Add “start a clothing line” to your marching band list of Things Not To Do If Your Band Wants Cred.I read TMZ enough that I know these guys are in a band, but that’s at the bottom of their laundry list of crap that makes them popular, and I’m not even going to sully this blog with everything else I am regretful to know about the Madden boys.These assholes are another one of those “only girls and wimpy guys like us” rock bands that make me glad I caught the tail end of grunge in my adolescence and steered clear from the guyliner.

What I Think He Probably Sounds Like: Fred Durst, when he wasn’t rapping.

What I Have Discovered He Actually Sounds Like: Fred Durst crying.

3. Kate Nash

With each new weeks comes each new buzz bitch: the entire summer of 1997 it was Amy Winehouse with a smattering of Lily Allen with a dash of Jenny Lewis, who had already had her buzz week sometime in 2005.Now that it’s an election year, we’ve got Yael Naim, Anouk, and host of others whose names I’ll have a harder time trying to pronounce.And then Kate Nash came hopping down the bunny trail.She’s a low hum on the radar right now (as I no longer live within the city limits), but apparently is the big British deal this year.So, according to the crap I read in SPIN while I take a crap, Kate Nash is to Lily Allen as Pepsi is to Coke.Life goes on.

What I Think She Probably Sounds Like: Any woman singing on any commercial for any Apple product

What I Have Discovered She Actually Sounds Like: Feist’s I-want-you-to-think-I’m-cool baby sister; Tori Amos after eating a bag of cotton candy… ON AN IPOD COMMERCIAL!

2. Miley Cyrus

I have tried to keep myself as far away from our new head mouseketeer as I can, but she just had to bastardize my Oscars red carpet with her beaver mug. It’s only a matter of time before Shia LeBouf is slipping her roofies and Lindsay Lohan is sighing over her Star Magazine for days gone by.

I don’t care what Miley sounds like. That’s the bottom line. Her dad is a punchline; what does she expect to do? She has a show wherein she’s secretly a pop star, and her only disguise is a wig. That didn’t even work on I Love Lucy. How dumb is the Disney audience? Sadly, it doesn’t matter what I think of Miley, she’s already breaking records and ordering Starbucks and relieving me that I’m not still a thirteen year old girl, making fun of my friends for listening to our pristine Britney and that time-honored thespian, Mandy Moore. I would have had to deal with her, too.

What I Think She Probably Sounds Like:The sound of kittens slowly dying; Raven-Simone without all the black.

What I Have Discovered She Actually Sounds Like:A reject from the Bangles, a secret Marlboro Lights smoker, a Hee Haw chorus member.

1. Pete Doherty

I hate this douche and his ironic pork pie hat and his greasy crackhead fingers.End of story.

What I Think He Probably Sounds Like: a toilet bowl full of cigarettes being flushed repeatedly; Scarlett Johansson singing.

What I Have Discovered He Actually Sounds Like: Ethan Hawke in Reality Bites with an Irish accent—predictable, and old-sounding beyong his years.

No comments: