Sunday, April 26, 2009

Top TEN Most Annoying Idiots in Hollywood by Dave

And I don't mean individual idiots, here. I've got groups of idiots in store for you this week. This is essentially a list of morons. I'd like nothing more than to see these groups wiped from the headlines, but they stick around. Will they ever shut their traps and go far away? Probably not, that's why all I can do is vent about it.

10. Ecomaniacs

THE OFFENDERS: Leonardo DiCaprio, Cameron Diaz, Robert Redford, Cate Blanchett, Clooney again, Edward Norton, Darryl Hannah, Brad & Angie, Julia Roberts, Matt Damon, Alicia Silverstone)

Exempt: Harrison Ford, Tom Hanks

Aaah yes, the flavor of the year. Ecomaniacs are everywhere these days. I’m not a bad person, probably just lazy. But it’s gotten to the point where I actually get a teeny jolt of satisfaction when I don’t recycle something or if I accidentally litter. These whiners are just so adamant about protecting the Earth, it makes me feel good when I can say “well I didn’t mean to drop that Baby Ruth wrapper on the sidewalk there, but I’m sure it would piss off DiCaprio, and man I hated Titanic. So fuck you LEO!” behind his back. The next time you’re walking down the street, drop a can of pop on the cement and mutter something nasty about George Clooney. You’ll feel better instantly. I’d put them higher, but they actually do something useful with their fortunes, so that makes them instantly superior to everything else on this list. All of these assholes following the greenhorns did something bad to make it on this list, so here w e go.

9. Actors who sing

THE OFFENDERS: Kevin Bacon, Bruce Willis, Kevin Costner, Eddie Murphy, Jamie Foxx, Scott Baio, Russell Crowe, Tony Danza, Robert Downey Jr., Jennifer Love Hewitt, Scarlett Johansson, Jared Leto, Will Smith, Adam Sandler, Juliet Lewis, Lohan, Hillary Duff, Kevin Spacey

Exempt: Kyle Gass and the other guy, and Jan from The Office who is hot in both arenas

We’re talking bands here, folks, not musicals. They hire pros for musicals. Any bum can start a sucky band, so that’s where my beef lies. Other than the exempt, there has never been a case where an actor started singing and didn’t come off as annoying eventually. They all fast become a gimmick and everyone watching ends up partly impressed at their musical skill in addition to their acting skill, but partly laughing that they kind of suck at one of those things. Does anyone think that dropping money to see the Bacon Brothers is a smart idea? If the question seems redundant, that’s because it is. No one cares about the Bacon Bros. except those who go to get drunk and make fun of the footloose dork. Don’t worry though, you’ll find that actors who sing at least pull rank on one critical group of losers. Stay tuned.

8. Bad Comedians

THE OFFENDERS: Carlos Mencia, Dane Cook, Bill Engvall, Jim Belushi, Chris Rock, Tom Green, Bill Maher, Larry the Cable Guy, Carrot Top, Chelsea Handler, Leno, Jeff Foxworthy, Andy Dick, Kathy Griffin, FRANK TV, DL Hughley, Sarah Silverman, Margarent Cho, The Dice Man…and Gladstone.

Exempt: none! There’s no cure for a misfired joke or an unfunny joker.

For every Seinfeld, Chappell Show, Cosby Show, or Office (UK), there’s something terrible and unwatchable. Have you ever seen an episode of Mind of Mencia? A whole one? ouuuuch. That’s such a no-no because garbage like that, Health Inspector and the recent Eddie Murphy movies ought to make your stomach cringe. If these offenders would put in a little extra effort, they might get a little better quality, but sometimes it’s like they aren’t even trying to get a laugh. Even when you take out the bad comedians, you can still get bad comedies quite often (Made of Honor). These jokers hurt a little harder than the singing actors, but there is certainly worse.

7. Singers who act

THE OFFENDERS: TOBY KEITH, Whitney Houston, Bon Jovi, Cher, Queen Latifah, LL Cool J, Common, Jennifer Hudson, Beyonce, Keith Richards, Alanis Morissette, Madonna (again), Alicia Keys, Mandy Moore, Mariah Carey, Britney Spears (again), Ice Cube, Ice-T., Will Smith, Jennifer Lopez, 50 Cent, Eminem, Brandy, Harry Connick, Jr.

Exempt for humor in Zoolander and Extras: David Bowie

Again, for the same reasons I offered before. It’s a novelty to ridicule. The singers are more annoying than the actors when doing this because I have more respect for great actors than great singers, so Whitney Coke-Nose Houston trying to stand ground with KEVIN “15 Rounds of Heaven” COSTNER? Pleeeease. Besides, when I IMAXed at Dark Knight, there was a poster for this movie right outside the entrance to the seats. Christian Bale could eat this bar-bruisers face if they ever threw down. Leave the acting to the pros, believe it or not there's more to it than having an okay croon. And in case you missed the title of MORON toby keith's movie, it's called BEER FOR MY HORSES.

6. Celebrity Babies

THE OFFENDERS: Suri, Apple, Pax, Maddox, Knox, Vivienne, Zahara, Sunday Rose, Honor Marie, Phinnaeus, Hazel, Nahla, etc.

Exempt: Shiloh (still the first and only celebrity Messiah)

Babies in general are useless and serve no practical function, we could probably do fine with 50% of the babies we have now. So why do we have to care extra when two celebs spawn an acting demigod? And what’s worse are the retards who deal out $20 mil just to get picture rights for the newborns. Has it really gotten this ridiculous? Are gossip mags really that important to people? Can’t you just look through it at the register and then put it back on the shelf, like me? And don’t get me started on the idiot names. I went to a pretty tame school, but a kid named Honor starts walking around you better believe she’s going home in tears that day.

5. Lefty Loonies

THE OFFENDERS: Al Gore, Jon Stewart, Sean Penn, Clooney, Clint Eastwood, Oliver Stone, Michael Moore, Tim Robbins, Susan Surandon, Whoopi, Kanye, Babs Steisand, Jane Fonda

Exempt: Alec Baldwin, Michael Keaton

Cry, cry, cry. That’s all you get from these people. Never good enough. I’d say things are pretty nice here compared to most places. But noooo, we need to suffer the opinions and viewpoints of multi millionaires who never work a full year at a time. Harsh living. Hey Sean Penn, you stink. If it weren’t for the brilliance of Jack Donaghy, Hollywood libbies as a whole would have a bad name. Bush bashing at the Emmys, Mr. Baldwin? Perhaps, perhaps. As long as you throw some wit into it, it’ll be solid gold. Right wing nuts almost made the list too, if you want you can put them at 11.

4. The Paparazzi

Face it, this one’s a no brainer. Assholes who follow you everywhere and take pictures of you all the time, sometimes proviking you or wrecking into your car. Celebrities living in these areas don’t exactly make it too difficult for these guys, but this lot is still the slime of humanity, as Henry Jones, Sr. would say. Didn’t you guys spray water at Tom Cruise on the red carpet. Okay, that was a pretty good one…

3. Egoooooooooooomaniacs

THE OFFENDERS: Bono, Madonna, Oprah, Cher, Prince, Rosie, Trump, Miley Cyrus, Zac Efron, Jonas Brothers

Exempt: A-Rod

Now we’re getting to the elite annoyances. Similar to South Park, these egomaniacs bug the shit out of me (and you too, I bet.) mainly because of their overwhelming smug scent. What’s worse is that there’s a weird, freaky fan base out there for each of these crazies, and so they keep up with an act that grew old long ago. If I offered you a chance to kick Bono in the nuts, who wouldn’t turn that down? Nobody, that’s who. A-Rod gets out if it because at the end of the day, sports stars who have affairs always come out of it cooler. GOoooooo Kobe!!

2. The Mentally Handicapped

THE OFFENDERS: Brooke Hogan, Britney Spears, Spencer & Heidi, the Lohan Family, Jessica & Ashlee Simpson, Kardashian and her fat ass, the Hiltons, the Richies, Tara Reid, Paula Abdul, anybody else associated with reality TV, Amy Winehouse, Rumer Willis, Fallout Boy, Michelle Obama, etc. etc.

Exempt: Yea right.

This is a “whose who” of moral/intellectual midgets. A list populated with people everybody hates, yet these worms still have fans out there, lengthening their career. How these poor things function almost independently on a daily basis is a wonder. Needing at least one nanny per child or two assistants per drug problem, these crippled blockheads rely on others for every basic need it seems, not unlike parasites. When let out in public, they often embarrass themselves. The onlooker’s stares keep the wacko’s egos afloat as they continue playing a game with themselves called “Is It Possible To Be This Stupid?” You must be dying to know who managed to annoy us more than anyone else. Certainly this is a tough act to follow, but this final group certainly takes the alien-flavored cake with extra thetans on the side.

1. Scientologists

THE OFFENDERS: the Cruises, the Travoltas, Kirstie Alley, Beck, Jason Lee, Isaac Hayes, Bart Simpson’s voice, Giovanni Ribisi, Jenna Elfman, Juliet Lewis, etc. Might as well toss in loser Will Smith & Jada, Jennifer Lopez and that husband of hers, and Posh, but never Beckham.

Exempt: Jerry Seinfeld

Ahhhh yes, here we are. The mothership of all Hollywood idiocies. The sheer stupidity of this whole thing makes you laugh in the face of every scientolojerk out there, except Jerry Seinfeld. If anyone even gives him so much as a wise answer about this, I’ll rip their lungs out. Seriously though, I won’t say too much about the religion itself, I’ll just broad stroke it. You can probably find all the dirt on this religion somewhere. Rather, I’m going to tell you about the man behind the whole religion, and let you make up your own mind about it all.

Here is the background for everyone's favorite fake religion: Scientology. Some things are self-evident: Murder is wrong, kindness is good and 75 million years ago, a ruler of a Galactic Confederacy rounded up billions of his own citizens and shipped them to Earth (then called Teegeeack), tied them to volcanoes and used hydrogen bombs to blow up their bodies. Adultery is bad. Lying is wrong, and thetans are the coolest thing since midichlorians. I’m not shitting you. And that’s just the tip of the iceberg. It seems L. Ron lied about having some supernatural native american upbringing, lied about having any qualifications or expertise in nuclear physics, lied about having an honorable war service record (he actually broke a lot of rules and got cited for incompetence), lied about sustaining a major injury during the war, lied about his major drug habit, and copied much of his morality code from the ten commandments. The whole article is in the link below.

Are you kidding me about all this? Anyone who gives into this nonsense is a total sucker from head to toe. Today’s scientology joke is yesterday’s kabbalah joke. It’s always hip and the target deserves every bit of the mockery. This religion has the power to derail careers and it has proven deadly already. Do I have to go further? Seriously though, what a load of morons.

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