Tuesday, April 28, 2009

TOP TEN SportsCenter Anchors by Herb

*Posted November 13, 2008*

I've only ever known the "hip" Sportscenter with the trendy catchphrases and pop culture references. Once upon a time, I think they just reported the news in an old-fahshioned way. I didn't start watching until the mid 90's before the school bus came, and only remember seeing Dan Patrick and Keith Olbermann in the mornings. Since then, ESPN's popularity took off and they've added on with: ESPN2, ESPNU, ESPN-NEWS, Scripted shows like Playmakers, Radio, Magazines, Game shows, and a shit load of opinion shows. For better or worse, anchors nowadays are forced to throw catchphrases and references at us. Which ones were the best at it? First a couple honorable mentions:

-Stuart Scott- Probably the most famous. You've all head of "cool as the other side of the pillow," "no diggity," "call him butter cause he's on a roll," Vlade daddi, he like to party," etc. etc. Some are quite good. Most are terrible. Stu and his lazy eye are flat out annoying now. I would rank him as the worst, even worse than Josh Elliot.

-Mike Greenberg- Fills in from time to time, but anyone who watches Mike and Mike is disappointed by the restrained, loser anchor-version of Greenie. No thanks.

-Karl Ravech- Baseball genius and great host, but lousy anchor.

-Keith Olbermann- Another famous one with winners like "From way downtown...BANG!," "hel-loooooooo" and others. He was honestly pretty cool, but I can't stand him now.

-Brian Kenny- File him in the Stu Scott category. He's responsible for "one run will score....TWO runs will score" in that lame voice. He's also a boxing buff, which is not a good thing.

-Craig Kilbon- Nope, I don't remember him hosting. I do remember him stinking on the Daily Show and sucking on the Late Late show.

-John Buccigross- I loved NHL 2 Night, and his column. He's a big hockey fan and loves to write about Crosby and the Pens, but there's only room for ten. Sorry John...
And now, the pure breeds...

Winners: He's so clutch and he doesn't even know it!!! (Really, that's her best one)
Stinkers: He's no Beanie Baby. He's got the magic stick. Good Morning, I'm Tiger Woods, and so is he for that matter!!

Before the days of HD, Linda was a big time hottie. That's why she's on the list. On a show full of boys, ESPN needed some eye-candy to appeal to viewers at home. She's still a looker, but now she's way old and her jokes suck. She also gets points for being a big hockey fan (and former hockey player).

Winners: "Dunk you very much!" "No soup for you!" " Master of his domain." "It's real, and it's spectacular." "The bases are like Canada during the Vietnam War....full of Dodgers!" "Have you seen my baseball" (<--retard from There's Something About Mary)
Stinkers: "That ball's been voted off the island."

Rece Davis proves that sometimes it's better to use stuff that isn't original. He's on this list because he knows how to successfully use Seinfeld quotes. He suffers from the same affliction that all anchors suffer from, though. When doing baseball highlights, he likes to substitute "glove" for "love" in such stinkers as "Might as well face it, you're addicted to GLOVE." I hate those.

Winners: "Bases loaded.....bases unloaded." "None shall pass!"
Stinkers: "Mecka-lecka-hi-mecka-hiney-ho."

Trey is also very good as host of NFL Live and sometimes fills in for Greenie on Mike and Mike. He just loves to say "The bears are who we THOUGHT they were!"

The granddaddy of the network. Remember that awkward phase of his when he tried hairplugs? His phrases are all winners AND stinkers because Berman is now a parody of himself and of the good lines he's had are now sooooo overused. So you decide for yourself if the following are winners or stinkers.

"He could.......go......all.....the.....way...." (Allow for variations when he does/doesn't go all the way)
"back back back back back back"
"It's a FUMBLE!!!"
"Rumblin bumblin stumblin"
"Nobody circles the wagons like the Buffalo Bills."
I could go on and on. He has tons. He probably should be higher up on the list except that he's a big fat joke now.

Winners: "Ahhh to be young and athletic." "He's running like people are chasing him!"
Stinkers: "Timmmayyy"

He's a likeable anchor, but probably gets more credit for doing a lot of the funny "This is SportsCenter" commercials. Plus, he's got a goofy face.

Winners: "En fuego." "The whiffffffff"(<---my favorite) "You can't stop him, you can only hope to contain him"
Stinkers: None. He has a lot of average stuff, but nothing on the Stuart Scott level of annoying.

He was at ESPN for what seemed like forever. But last year he finally left the network to write for Sports Illustrated and do NBC football. More than anyone else (Boomer, Stu) Dan Patrick was the face of the network for the longest time.

I don't remember him having any catchphrases, but Chuck didn't need them. He was the last of the "ugly" anchors. Nobody since Steiner has been fat or bearded. You just don't see it anymore. Besides being a rock solid commentator, he was apart of some of the best SportsCenter ads. Do you remember the Y2K ad? How about the Melrose Place Trade ad? For real proof of his awesomeness, here's a minute and a half of Charlie Steiner laughing. Case closed.

Winners: "Yahtzee!" "I am the King of the Diamond. Let there be the finest meats and cheeses for all my friends!" "He hit it over some fencing they set up before the game." "Say CHOWDAH!"
Stinkers: Hooommme Rrrrrun

Not including his funny Mayne Event skits on NFL Countdown and his funny Mayne Street webisodes, he's still a funny anchor. His catchphrases are by far the weirdest (Just a reminder that your Entertainment coupons may not be used for Surf N Turf), most obscure (We show you this to see how women 18-34 feel about the play), and most literal (Now on to tackle football news). I think his dry sense of humor is very refreshing amongst the new batch of loser anchors.

Winners: He would stay in the game....he's a hockey player.
Stinkers: Get outta here....and I mean it!

Another big NHL buff, Steve Levy was the coolest when he was doing the NHL games on ESPN. Levy and Panger called many a Penguins playoff game, and mostly because of that (and his coolness), he's on the list.

Winners: "He gat it" (<---best phrase in SC history), "he busts out the whoopin' stick," "Get outta here. Fuhgeddaboudit! And other New York phrases!" "The kissssssss," "you want me on that wall, you NEED me on that wall!"
Stinkers: "Say hello to my little friend."

Easily the coolest of all the anchors. He left ESPN to be the face of the NFL network, plus he was also involved in some crazy stalker incident when a hot TV reporter kept calling him and all that. He's the first anchor that I thought was cool (but was often with Stu, and he's easy to beat).

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