Saturday, April 25, 2009


*Originally Posted May 8, 2008*

10. Tawni (Kimberley Campbell) from Episode 75 “The Conversion

Alright, alright. There’s nothing particularly attractive about feet fungus or cat fungus, but this blonde makes us forget all about that. Not only is she a knock out, but she lives in Jerry’s building, which means she gets points for sharing a home with immortal names like Newman and Kramer. Jerry has had plenty of hallway flirts with this broad, and things were looking pretty good, but when he discovers a tube of Fungicide in her bathroom medicine cabinet (something you should always check by the way), he hits the bricks, and we never see her again.

9. Nicki (Dylan Tays) from Episode 130 “The Calzone”

This woman is famed to be so beautiful, she gets whatever she wants, including theater tickets when the show was supposedly sold out, and she successfully got Jerry out of a speeding ticket. And going right along with that theme, we are going to give her a top 9 spot on our list. Of course it’s not much, but it’ll do. She is that hot, anyway.

8. Celia (Julia Pennington) from Episode 162 “The Merv Griffin Show”

This woman scores points all across the board. Let’s count em off: She likes toys (enough to have an entire collection of classic toys on display in her living room), she enjoys her wine (enough to guzzle a whole box during dinner several times), and she enjoys her turkey meat, a nice staple of americana. Seriously, if we upgrade this chick to 2008, she would have classic video games in her home, which makes her just about the perfect woman. Ever. Eventually Kramer, under the guise of Merv Griffin, tells Celia the truth, and she storms away from Jerry, but her impact remains. Chicks who love toys? Yea, that’ll do.

7. Tia (Jennifer Campbell) from Episode 53 “The Pick”

Jerry first meets this gal flying first class on an airplane. While Elaine is in coach going absolutely crazy, Jerry is hitting it off with Tia. Jokes are told, dessert is shared, etc. The typical first class treatment. Out of all Jerry’s many girlfriends, Tia ranks this high mainly for one reason: she’s a supermodel. We can let slip her theft of Kramer’s fragrance, The Beach, because at the end of the day it’s a fucking comedian dating a supermodel. Imagine Dane Cook banging Tom Brady’s girlfriend. Of course you can’t because guys like Tom Brady bang Gisele Bundchen. So that fact that Jerry Seinfeld, an observational humorist, gets a supermodel lusting after him is quite the monumental achievement. She doesn’t lose points either for dumping Jerry after an debatable nose-picking incident.

6. Rachel (Melanie Smith) from Episodes 82, 83, 85, and 86

Very rare when a girlfriend of Jerry’s sticks around longer than an episode. Jerry himself joked that he doesn’t really get attached to any one girlfriend, seeming to “get a new girlfriend every week.” So when one sticks around for four episodes, well it’s worthy of mention. Rachel does a couple things of note: She sees George naked, a big moment in Seinfeld lore. George gets her back with some allergy-sensitive eggs, but thats not that big a deal. Rachel also makes out with Jerry during a classic Spielberg movie Schindler’s List. When Newman spies the action, he tells her very Jewish parents, resulting in a brief hiatus with Jerry. Basically, she makes it this high because of the multi episode arc with Jerry, an Rooseveltian accomplishment. When she finally dumps Jerry, he’s alright with it because he is Even Steven.

5. Elaine (Julia Louis-Dreyfus) from Episode 2 “The Stakeout”

Come on now, she has to be on this list. I’m surprised I didn’t put her higher than five. Way back in Episode 2 (because she wasn’t in the pilot), her and Jerry realize that they just gotta fuck so they can save their friendship. If only life was that easy. Episodes later, they come up with a way to keep sharing a bed provided the proper ground rules were laid and understand. Basically, their relationship is as epic as There Will Be Blood. They’ve talked sex, marriage, soup, shoes, Gail Cunningham, fat guys getting robbed, you name it (or should I say yada, yada, yada?) As far as we know, they don’t end up together, but that doesn’t mean she won’t be popping in to his West 81st street apartment everyday for many more years. And it goes without saying, but Elaine’s a major hottie too. And I’d give my left nut (the liberal nut) to get my hands on one of those Christmas cards.

4. Patty (Lori Loughlin) from Episode 159 “The Serenity Now”

Not only does she get Jerry to show a little bit of emotion (trying to act mad and yell? That’s gold, Jerry!) but she’s also the super hot Aunt Becky from Full House. I don’t know what that means to you, but on this website it means top three standing.

3. Melissa (Kathleen McSomething) from Episode “The Apology”

Are you kidding me?! She’s naked. All. the. time. And who cares about bad naked anyway, I’ll take it any day of the week from her. Most internet bloggers only know good naked and no naked (usually the latter).

2. Audrey (Suzanne Snyder) from Episode 79 “The Pie”

I wish I could give you some grand reason for putting Audrey second, but it’s not too complicated. The truth? She plays two different characters. That means that Jerry and Larry David liked her enough to cast her again and figure no one would be the wiser. The character of Audrey is Poppy’s daughter, an altogether forgettable performance. BUT her other role was as an ultrahottie Nazi (the best kinds of Nazis ya know). So, because of two roles in two great episodes, in addition with her looks, seals her up the #2 seed. I know what you’re thinking, what beats a possibly split-personality nazi enforcer? It could only be....

1. Sidra (Teri Hatcher) from Episode 59 “The Implant”
....a fantastic pair of tits. Forget about gay Desperate Housewives, Teri Hatcher knocked this role out of the park. She had a cool, seductive name, and doesn’t mind de-toweling at the sauna (does that really happen in all-girl saunas?), but her biggest assets lie on her chest. It’s not so much that they even looked that incredible, it was the way much of the episode revolved around her breasts. “Ya know that Jane Mansfield had some big breasts...” A line like that doesn’t fit in anywhere else. Congrats Sidra, you’re at the top of the heap. Too bad in a decade you whither down into some sort of half woman half skeleton hybrid that spends her hours engaging in annoying banter with other annoying floozies. Still great tits though? Yep.