Tuesday, April 28, 2009


*Posted September 25, 2008*

In the interests of parity, we’ll be following up this list with its democratic counterpart. That will either come next week if my brother feels like doing it, or in three weeks when the top ten list gets back to me, so you lovable lefties will have to stay tuned for your turn.

The criterion for the rankings is a combination of two things: (1) How big a republican they are, whether they publicly flaunt it or not and (2) How awesome the character is in general. Both figures are determined subjectively by me cause it’s my list. Enough yap. Here we go, people.

10. Stan Smith

While arguably the most conservative character on this panel, he loses points for being a huge idiot on an annoying show. This website gets along by depicting conservatism as a good thing (sometimes), but too much of a good thing (like Snickers bars) leads to a bad stomach ache. If that’s so, then Stan Smith is the colossal stomach ulcer of registered righties. Every sterotype of GOPers is amped up to the nth degree in Seth MacFarlane’s unfunny cartoon about a CIA nut job that bugs his family for a half hour every week. Sure, there are plenty of old, prune faced guys out there who fall right in line with Stan’s sexist, xenophobic, terrorist obsessed lifestyle. But their idiots, too.

9. Scrooge McDuck

A cranky, old codger who hoards his fortune, Scrooge McDuck sounds an awful lot like another animated miser on this list (he comes in later). It isn’t so much that he’s a rich old guy that gets him on this list. His biggest Republican quality (besides tax cuts for the richest 1%) is his disdain for handouts (warranted or not). In an early comic strip of his, he scoffs “That’s the trouble with you young scalawags of today…You expect to start in at the top instead of working up from the bottom like I did!” Scrooge had labored his way up the financial ladder from humble immigrant roots. Born in Glasgow, Scotland he made his young living shining shoes until he jumped a ship to America where he set out to make his fortune. He keeps a portion of his wealth, that money he has personally earned himself, in a massive Money Bin overlooking the city of Duckburg, which he explains to his nephews as "just petty cash." As a businessman, Scrooge often resorts to aggressive tactics and deception. He seems to have gained significant experience in manipulating people and events towards his own ends (sounds a bit like a politician, eh?). Still, as much as he values his gold and treasure, he puts his family (which is really just his nephews) first.

8. Carlton Banks

Someone who definitely ranks high on the Reagan and low on the Zack Morris (he scored a Jessie Spano in coolness), Carlton epitomizes the nerdy, preppy, over-privileged kid. Similar to Scrooge McDuck having a doppelganger higher in the rankings, Carlton also closely resembles another character out there in the family sitcom universe. Besides citing his admiration for the Republican Party more than a few times on the show, Carlton’s personal choices also reflect his political leanings. After Will takes a bullet for him when they get robbed at an ATM, he runs out and hastily buys a gun for self-protection. Though he gave up the gun in that same episode (*flip flopping more commonly associated with teenagers than Righties*), we all witnessed his strong 2nd Amendment beliefs.

7. C. Montgomery Burns

Another old, rich, crotchety cartoon character siding on the side of the elephant. You all know who Mr. Burns is. He’s the type of villainous billionaire who can turn a good-natured recycling scheme into a profitable fish slaughtering business. He’s also the leader of the Springfield Republican Party, whose headquarters is frequently portrayed in the show as an ominous dark tower with a thunderstorm always brewing above it, often accompanied by spooky mood music or the menacing cry of a falcon and/or wolf howl. Alone amongst their allies, the party members are often open about doing dastardly deeds and plotting nefarious schemes. The guest list for the Springfield GOP is a whose-who of hilarious recurring characters, including Birch Barlow (conservative radio host ala Rush Limbaugh), Dr. Hibbert, Krusty, Ranier Wolfcastle, Count Chocula, the fast-talking blue-haired lawyer woman, and Rich Texan (full name: Richard Antoine Texery O'Hara-Texan) aka the fat guy with the heavy southern drawl who always yells and waves his cowboy hat. Anyone of those characters could’ve made it onto this list (ahead of Stan Smith anyways), but since Mr. Burns is the leader and the most visible Republican in Springfield, he lands in at #7.

6. Dwight Schrute

Dwight would be a good example of someone whose the opposite of Carlton Banks (meaning he’s lower on Reagan but higher on Zack Morris). Yes, personally he’s a little creepy, but as a TV character he’s awesome, and yet another Office drone who will always be funnier than Jim Halpert. I’m not exactly sure if Dwight is vocal about his political preference, but that doesn’t mean we can’t guess who he’ll vote for. Though it’s not really a guess (do you see him voting for Obama? Me neither). Dwight is pro-guns (and pro-ninja throwing star, and pro-mace, and pro-samurai sword, etc), anti-terrorists, and he gets it on with Angela, the Christian-conservative accountant. In the episode where a joint is found in the parking lot we find out he’s so anti-drug that he starts a task force to find the culprit behind it.

A few quotes to slam his political platform home:

Dwight on Healthcare:

“In the wild, there is no health care. In the wild, health care is, 'Ow, I hurt my leg. I can't run. A lion eats me. I'm dead.' Well, I'm not dead. I'm the lion. You're dead.”

“The problem, Jim, is that people who are really suffering from a medical condition won't receive the care they need because someone in this office is coming up with ridiculous stuff. Count Choculitis....Why did you write that down, Jim? Is it because you know I love Count Chocula?”

5. Tim “The Tool Man” Taylor

This might surprise you, but know that Tim Taylor is just a right-winger who only appears left handed (like Jaromir Jagr). At a quick glance, you might think that the guy who grunted “MORE POWER!” for eight side-splitting seasons on ABC is promoting the democratic notion that more powers should be granted to the federal government. If you think this way, it’s only because you wish you had the Tool Man on your side, but no way are you taking him from us! The GOP needs at least one handyman on their team. His every cry for more power is actually a declaration of individual power. An increase in the power of a tool proportionately increases power in the man (or woman) himself (herself). This whole time the Tool Man has been fighting the good fight for us citizens and you probably didn’t even notice. Tim adamantly disapproves of government meddling (though in his world, the government = Binford Corporate). As a matter of fact, in the episodes were Tim battles a new corporate stud from Binford over control of the show, you can probably guess which side Tim favored. The Binford suit wanted to dump a shit load of money into Tool Time (taxpayer’s money from higher taxes I bet), and because of that he wanted some more say in the show. His first decree? Fire Al. Ooooo, of course a decent and moral Tool Man couldn’t go through with it. He wanted to run the show his way. Not that only that happened, too. Tim’s previous boss tried to get him to promote a new Binford tool on his show. Usually not a problem as Tim loves Binford tools (or toys). But this time the tool was garbage, and rather than bamboozle his audience, he opted for the truth and delivered it justly. Oh, and what happened when Tim got wise to Brad’s pot smoking? He brought the hammer down!! Liberal Jill on the other hand? Big time druggie in her youth. I guess Tim can’t save them all. Set in his ways? Perhaps. Champion of the blue collar repubs? You bet.

4. Stephen Colbert

He might be using his real name, but everything he does on The Colbert Report is a result of a character he’s crafted. Colbert (the character) scored high on the Republican-o-meter, but his coolness factor was tricky to determine. Colbert (the human) is way cool; funny geniuses like us often are. But I can’t fully say that his character is cool. It’s a strange predicament because a liberal comedian creates a loud, condescending O’Reilly clone and happens to be hilarious at making fun of liberals, though the broader perspective is that he’s actually making fun of conservatives for thinking that way about liberals. In the end though, maybe he’s just making fun of everyone because he’s pretty damn good at that too. His commitment to the character on the Report is unfaltering, and he routinely bucks heads with the liberal elite, tossing up tough questions and (often faulty) reasoning even if he doesn’t agree with any of it. The final verdict is that Colbert (the human) is hilarious, and Colbert (the character) is executed hilariously. When you make it into the top four, you know you’ve done something right.

3. Jack Bauer

This guy is the living, breathing version of The Patriot Act. Safety at Extreme Costs, Answers and Truth at Any Cost (yes, I’m talking about torture), And guns all the way, baby. That’s Jack Bauer summed up. The longer, less exciting version is that he’s a Federal Agent (usually) who spent his days fighting the toughest of terrorists, often without any bathroom breaks or naps during the day. He’s a man with complex morals, unwavering patriotism, and bad ass military skills. Season seven of 24 just might have Jack Bauer battling the financial crisis, slitting Fannie Mae’s throat in the finale (played by Joan Allen), pushing Freddie Mac (played by Alan Alda) off a skyscraper, and saving the markets with 20 minutes to spare. He could do it and we would believe it to be over. If The Dark Knight showcased Batman as the ultimate Republican demigod, then Jack Bauer would be his second in command. Remember America, there is no history in the making here. We already had a black president (the awesome David Palmer, aka David The Great), and it was allllllllll thanks to Jack Bauer. (and Morgan Freeman doesn’t count, Deep Impact sucked)

2. Alex P. Keaton

Sorry Carlton, but when it comes to adolescent, Republican foot soliders, there can be only one. Alex P. Keaton scores big on the Zack Morris test and he practically aced Reaganomics. For most of you who grew up after Family Ties started to wane, here’s a quick refresher. It’s a family sitcom, the parents are former hippies, Michael J. Fox is the staunch Reaganite, and the two sisters each take a side. I know I know, what a wacky set up. Back then, there were lots of kids like Alex, who rejected the counterculture era of the 60’s and bought in to the power and wealth that sprung up the corporate 80’s (called neoconservatism duh). They probably all didn’t wear suits and ties with a briefcase in hand like Alex (he attended public school), but the shared similar ideologies. Here’s a few of his favorites:

Favorite Subject: Business Economics

Favorite TV Show: Wall $treet Week

Favorite Newspaper: The Wall Street Journal

Personal Heroes: Reagon, William F. Buckley Jr., Richard Nixon, Milton Friedman

Favorite Economic Theory: Supply Side Economics

1. Jack Donaghy

Jackie Boy scored a 94% on Reaganomics and a 102% on the Zack Morris Test of Awesome, crowning him the supreme champion of TV republicans. I’d assume you internet junkies out there are smart enough to keep up with your 30 Rock, but in case it’s all news to you, here’s the background on Jack. He is portrayed as a slick, yet scrupulous network executive with an affinity for overtly backhanded compliments, usually directed towards Tina Fey’s Liz Lemon. But that’s all child’s play. How do you score 102% on the ZM Test??? Here’s how:

Donaghy’s self-proclaimed proof that he thrives on fear:

* Bow hunting Polar Bear
* Climbing Mount Kilimanjaro
* Driving a rental car into the Hudson River to practice escaping
* Showering with Greta Van Susteren and
* Overcoming a peanut allergy through sheer willpower.

Unrelated to overcoming fear, Donaghy backed Mitt Romney in the primary before it blew up in his face, and is a firm believer in capitalism. He’s also the only one on this list to have his own wine label (albeit a foul tasting one) called Donaghy Estates. When he’s angry he likes to go to Sbarro, when he’s horny—the New York Stock Exchange, and when depressed, an auction house called Christie’s. Finally, other than Greta Van Susteren, here are a few more celebrities he’s sexed: Condie Rice, Maureen Dowd, Elizabeth Hurley, Beyoncé, Martha Stewart, Shakira, and Katie Couric. Zack Morris w
ould be proud. When all is said and done, if you want to be the coolest TV republican, you have to get through Jack Donaghy...or probably just bribe him.

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